I'M BACK AND MARRIED!

Hey ya'll, I'm back and in the flesh. Only one or two people care enough so I'm talking to them; so hey Avin and The Make Up Girl! Missed you while I was gone.

I read Avin's blog and I refuse to cry *cues Mary J. Blige* but it was so touching and moving. My wedding was a dream, more than I ever imagined. If it wasn't for my coordinator/co-worker I don't know if it would have turned out so beautiful.

Everything seemed to be aligned, from the beautiful weather to the kids behaving; I had the most perfect day imaginable. I hear that rain is a sign of good luck on a wedding day. . .good luck for who? Not after I spent all night getting my hair done! So, I was grateful that the weather was so gorgeous.

I was in the limo watching all the guests come in and then decided to occupy myself by listening to my matron of honor's ipod/phone thingy and all she had on it was some stupid New Edition and Get Me Bodied. So, I spent my final alone time as a single woman doing the Naomi Campbell walk in the limo.

I damn near had a panic attack when my coordinator opened the door of the limo to get me out; it was time to get married. She said, "If you want, we can dip out in the limo and go get drinks. You ready now?" So after a nod, we walked up the steps to the chapel and there I was; my oldest son on my left ready to walk me down to my dad who took me the rest of the way.

I don't remember seeing Avin and the girls crying like they were watching the end of Steel Magnolias; shoot they were crying at the damn wedding rehearsal. The whole ceremony was so nice and touching; so romantic and all that good stuff.

Mr. D said vows to my boys while he gave them necklaces and apparently everyone just fell out crying. Why didn't I cry you ask?!? (1) The Make Up girl would have stopped the ceremony to fix my make up (2) It wasn't needed everyone else was crying like they were at Luther's funeral!

The reception was so wonderful and I just hope everyone had a good time. I danced myself into a leg cramp that lasted for two days. I dropped it, brought it back up and dipped it some more. I got my eagle on, dropped it like it was hot. . .hazy hot and humid more like it!

We were so tired, we didn't consummate anything but some sleep! We had a nice room at the Marriott in downtown DC, but all I wanted to do was scrub my face and go to sleep!

I had a blast at my wedding, none of the children there cried, no one got loud or anything embarrassing. I did have someone act like a pure dee bitch. I'll be blogging about that in a few.

With that aside. . .it was the best wedding I've ever been to, even it was my own!

An Announcement From Dia

I have a formal announcement to make!

CALLING ME A BITCH ISN'T INSULTING!

Yesterday, I was driving home from work and if you know me, you would know that there's a lot of shit I don't tolerate while driving. So this lady wanted to wait until the last minute to get over and of course that meant getting over in front of me, after I waited in traffic for 30 minutes or so because of the slow ass drivers.

Of course letting her over wasn't an option, so she pulled up next to me to say: "Thank you Bitch!" So of course I responded with: "OH MY LAWD, CALL IMUS CALL AL SHARPTON SHE CALLED ME A BITCH MY FEELINGS HAVE BEEN VIOLATED. Honey, I was called a bitch three days ago. . .find another word to use. Thank you dumb ass and have a wonderful day."

I would like to say that calling me a bitch isn't insulting and I would like people to use another more convincing word. I get called a bitch at least several times a week, so some driver calling me that is nothing new.

I'm not calling for a moratorium on the word or anything, I'm just calling for our smart mouths to find something more creative.

That's it. Thanks.

MTB Monday Night Recap

Yes, I know it's Wednesday. So quit bitching and read.

The show starts with Michael Bivins coming to the house to explain the "rules" of the competition to the men and how the house will not have any sorts of drama whatsoever. I guess Mr. Bad Boy doesn't want to shut the studio down again.

Mike also explained to them that they are competing agains each other however they are all in this together. Umm. . .this made not a bit of damn sense! Let me proceed.

Diddy wants to keep the boys fit and fabulous on stage; I guess looking like Ricky Ross and Fat Joe is out in 2007. They took the boys to NYCSC (NYC Sports Club) and they met with a personal trainer and they got weighed in.

Michael the heavier of the crew weighed in at a whopping 287 pounds! So she had them doing some Celebrity Fit Club type shit until Dyshon damn near passed out. He was dehydrated and had dangerously low blood pressure. Umm. . .Diddy they are all out of shape start them off slowly. With the exception of Dan who lost 16 pounds after the first audition.

Next they met with BOOM BOOM KAT Gibson dressed like she was auditioning for the Pussycat Dolls/Simple Life! She had them doing African inspired dances and BALLET! I do believe that was for comedic purposes because I was dying laughing!

Diddy shows up and meet with the fellas, in his one of many surprise visits. He had them do a "Hi, My Name is" session and they explained why they were there. All of them were sincere and really seemed like they wanted it. Diddy, I hope got to know them a little better.

Next Didds tell them that they had to form five different singing groups. He told them that they would go around performing at open mic nights and the like, and the groups run the risk of being dwindled down if one or all of the members can't show and prove.

HOWEVER! *cues suspense music* Didds return and asks Michael what he had for breakfast. It's clear these young men didn't watch the previous three MTB's or they would realize their every move is being monitored. Anywho:

Didds asks again "Michael what did you have for breakfast?" Michael looks like the kid that caught kissing his cousin. He aptly said "A grilled cheese" Didds say, "YOU HAD THREE GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES!" Michael said "I had two." all sheepish and shit. Umm. . .Michael when you weigh 287 two grilled cheese sandwiches are just as bad as three.

Diddy made him get on the treadmill and walk five miles. He told Dan to help him since he had no problem losing weight. He told Michael that he has no more chances, and stormed out in a Bad Boy huff.

They picked their own names: Campus Block, Face, Legit, 37th Ave. and Switch. They started practicing their singing and dance routines.

I'm truly concerned about Chris, he can't sing worth a damn but he can dance. Hopefully he can stop telling himself he can't do it and at least try.

Julius reminds me of Fred from MTB 1 and this boy can sing.

Stay tuned

YOU'RE FIRED!

Dear Tank Johnson,

I heard that you got "let go" from the Chicago Bears because you can't act like a civilized human being. Sucks to be you right now doesn't it? You are in jail for two months, suspended for the first 8 games and now the piece de resistance. . .you are fired from your job.

How loverly! Do they have an unemployment line for criminal NFL Players? What kind of unemployment benefits can you get? I can get you a good reference if you need one.

Seriously though, what team will want you now that you're on Maurice Clarrett status? Next thing we'll hear is that you're holding up a McDonald's for three Big Mac's and two Chicken McNugget Happy Meals. Times is hard!

How many chances do you need to get before you realize you have to get your shit together? We only get put on probation once at my job and after that your ass is fired; you get more leeway than the common man but yet you still fuck up. ROYALLY!

Well Tank, I think that while you're destroying your liver and career; let this be a lesson to you.

Get a damn driver! Please don't let me see you on an episode of Cops!

I think unemployment opens at 9am, good luck with that!

DB

MTB - Season 18451296781.2

Last night I watched the season premire of Making The Band Season. . .well I stopped counting after they shut down the studio.

It was pretty good, the usual audition openings. Nothing spectaular, outside of the Asian guy; everyone else sound the same. They have a new panel helping Diddy chose the guys for his singing group.

The dream team is comprised of New Edition's Michael Bivins, Grammy-winning producer Bryan Cox, R&B singer Joe, A&R manager Slam, vocal coach Ankh Ra and choreographer Laurie Ann Gibson (BOOM BOOM KAT). (Plus, manager Johnny Wright, singer Mario Winans and others will be lending a hand from time to time.) Thanks MTV.com for that help.

I don't know all the major players yet and I'm sure the drama will be on and popping. When you get a bunch of zesty boys in one house, I'm sure the fur is going to fly. Where's Ms. Jay when you need him/her?

It's bound to be some windmilling and "I'll scratch your eyes out bitch" going on in that house. Stay tuned, I'll try my best to report back for the season.

Eddie, You ARE The Father!

Dear Eddie Murphy,

I hear that congratulations are in store on your seventh child. I know you can't wait to introduce her to the kids you had with that man Nicole and the other baby you had before them. Do you realize that you are rich and can get Trojan to personalize some condoms for you?

It beats going to the free clinic for shots. Seriously, I know that God said be fruitful and multiply but he wasn't asking you to do it all by yourself. Does Tracy know you like it raw? What would Rick James say about this?

The fucked up thing about this; you humiliated Mel on TV and in the press. Made her look like a tramp that fucks anyone. Haven't you noticed that she was way too quiet when the stories broke? Let me tell you why. She knew who her baby daddy is.

Any woman who doesn't sleep around or act like let's see. . .Kim Kardashian or. . .uhh. . .Kim Kardashian, knows who the father of her baby is. Even Supahead and Carmen Bryant know who the fathers are. . .that should be telling you something.

Bet you won't stick wet Willie somewhere raw again. It's funny you named your stand up movie the way you like to give it. . .RAW!

I think you need to hit up Diddy for child support advice. Oh, I forgot. We should have put you on the Maury show since you want to embarrass people in public. Why couldn't we have the results in public like on Maury. Eddie, in the case of Iris. . .YOU ARE THE FATHER!

Good luck,

DB

I Am Officially Done

I'm finished being nice. I say this year after year, but seriously; I can't take anymore. From now on, I want all my shit up front. I won't loan you anything, I'm not putting myself out there for anyone anymore.

I loaned my son's crib to my sister (my oldest's son's aunt actually) because she was a young mother, just making it out. Now, Mr. Dia and I will be conceiving after the honeymoon; and guess what I want back? My crib that I brought my babies home in; where is that crib?

THEY GAVE AWAY MY SHIT! Why? It was in my "mother's" garage and she didn't want it in there anymore. WTF kind of Tom Foolery is that? What makes me even more pissed off, no one understand how I feel.

How can you give away something that doesn't belong to you? If it was taking up space in your garage; why not call me and say "Dia, your crib is taking up space. Do you want it back?" I've left a set of dishes in her garage for six years and she called me to come get them, but you can't do that for my crib?

So, as of right now. Don't ask me for shit and I want all that's due me up front. No, "Can you wait until I get paid?" NOPE, FUCK YOU PAY ME! Don't ask me can you borrow shit, nope because I don't trust you.

My trust in people have been dwindling little by little and this doesn't do anything to restore my faith in people at all. It's not the crib it's the gotdamn principle. You don't give away anything someone loaned you.

So, there it goes ladies and gentlemen. I'm fresh out! I have no more to give. I've given away something that meant a lot to me. I struggled to buy that crib and brought two babies home to sleep in that crib. . .and now I can't do that to the new baby, whenever he comes.

Fuck you very much, little sister for nothing.

Call me a bitch, at least I'm good at it.

Let's Talk Swimsuits

Ladies, Ladies, My Ladies. . .Let's rap a taste about swimsuits. Men listen up because I need you to help your women out.

IF YOU ARE JIGGLING MORE THAN AN LL COOL J VIDEO OR A JELLO COMMERCIAL STOP WEARING FUCKING TWO PIECE SWIMSUITS!

Whew! I had to get that out, now let's proceed. Me and my fellas went to the amusement park on Wednesday; much to Avin's dismay because she thinks I have no job, yup I skipped work so what's it to you?

The mess I saw was ri-damn-diculous and I must speak on it; I've been holding it in and it's starting to feel like gas.

I'm at the water park and I saw two pieces on all the wrong people. Fat people, out of shape people, oddly shaped people. . .just all sorts of wrongness. Why do you insist on putting your fat ass in a two piece and your shit is jiggling baby? I saw the one piece suits that had the cut outs on the sides and meat and fat was falling out of it.

I saw stretch marks and pouches, side meat, back meat, front meat. . .it was a mess! Just because you can buy doesn't mean you should. If I said it once, I've said it a billion times. . .NOT EVERYTHING IS FOR EVERY BODY!

Even if they didn't have stretch marks they were still jiggling baby and wore a two piece or those laser cut swimsuits with the sides out. Please don't let me forget the little fat girls in two pieces. Now, I don't agree with letting little girls have their stomachs out; so why would your let your portly daughter wear a two piece and her stomach is bigger than the donut on my front left wheel?

I actually saw someone in a two piece with an underbelly, and I wanted to cuss so bad. I have a list of do's and don'ts and at this point, I think I need to get Congress involved because I can't trust you to make the correct decisions for the summer.

Dia's Swimsuit Do's and Don't You Even Fucking Dare List!

DO. . .try on the suit and have an honest friend with you. Having a friend that lie to you constantly will tell you that you look good wearing a cow manure bag, get that friend that's honest or have me go with you.

DO NOT. . .assume that you'll look like the Victoria's Secret model when you order your swimsuit. They diet and exercise or throw up their food. . .bottom line if you're eating Big Mac's and Whopper's with extra cheese. . .don't put your fat ass in a two piece.

DO. . .recognize your body type and buy a swimsuit that will enhance your good features or play down your trouble spots. If your whole body is a trouble spot, put on a moo moo.

DO NOT. . .lie to yourself and say that you love your body. Nobody likes their body, even the healthy ones.

DO NOT. . .tell yourself that 250 pounds is healthy and that you can wear anything!

DO. . .shop for cute one pieces or tankini's. They are making them real cute and sexy now, so you don't have to depend on a two piece to be sexy.

DO NOT. . .think that fat is sexy. BBW are sexy but when it's oozing all over the place it becomes nasty.

DO NOT. . .embarrass yourself! WAX, no one wants to see you looking like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons

DO NOT. . .FOR MEN. . .let your woman buy a two piece and she spends most of her winter and spring eating three pieces with extra sides. Be honest with your woman and tell her that even though you love her, that suit will not be appealing to her.

DO. . .FOR MEN. . .play up your woman's good features and suggest she buy a suit that will accentuate the positives. Remember, she'll be with you when she's wearing this suit. . .so please make sure she can represent you properly.

That's it my ladies. Several rules for properly wearing a swimsuit; if you're not sure how to properly buy a suit, always ask the sales staff. They are there to help you.

Have a good summer.

Isaiah Quit Your Bitching!

Dear Mr. Washington,

I do understand that you're upset about being let go for your homophobic rants about TR Knight; however, I think it's my duty to tell you to quit it! NOW!!!!

You've compared yourself to Malcolm X and Martin Luther King, Jr. and why would you do that? You can't be serious right now; are you? They did things for this country that can't be compared to calling someone the f word.

Isaiah you were fired, let it go playa let it go. Every 10 seconds someone gets fired; whether it's wrong or not isn't the issue. The point is it happen, now deal with it like a man.

The incessant whining makes you look like a pansy and who would want to hire an actor that cries everytime he/she gets fired. Isn't there an unemployment office for actors that you need to standing in line for?

So in closing, quit the damn bitching because you're acting like one right now! I can't read my news and gossip rags without seeing you pop up like a bad case of the clap! There are plenty of other shows out there you can be on. Grant it they won't be the number one show in the country, but hey tough titty said the kitty.

Go kick rocks and stay out the damn news. You're really not all that important, I'm sure there's a barber that would really like to work on that shape up you haven't had since '82.

Not a fan,

DB

Why Must You Make The Kids Beg?

I've been working in Downtown Washington, DC for about 6 years now and on my way home I've seen the same kids beg for money for a mentoring/sports program.

I know, I know. . .Wu-Tang's for the kids, but seriously why are these grown ass men making the kids beg for money? They've been asking for money for the same program for six years (as long as I've been commuting to work) and they haven't made a dime yet? I find that seriously hard to believe!

They are out there RIGHT after school. Which leads me to another question; how can they be a mentoring program if the kids are begging for change after school every day? Is it a weekend mentoring program? I highly doubt it!

How do you know that the men are begging. . .yada yada yada! Because the men are sitting in lawn chairs cooling in the shade, drinking a little lemonade (sorry Doug E. Fresh) on the median while the kids are in the street begging once the light turns red! Drinking water and shit, while the poor boys are holding up that old ass sign asking for change.

I gave them change the first two years of my commute, but then I realized this might be a scam. Do I need to call Chris Hansen? You know Chris Hansen can sniff out a liar like Kim Kardashian for new dick!

I'm not upset about the begging. . .hey if it's legit, then by all means go for it. Still why are the men pimping these young boys to do the job?

All I need is Kat Williams to jump out from behind a tree and start slapping bamas!

Poor kids! Where is Wu-Tang when you need them!? *calling Meth and U-god*

Yes, It's Hot! Does The Air Need To Be On Iceland?!

Okay, so I finally got to watch my channels from 12 on up (long story. . .hating Comcast right now!) and I watched the morning news. It's a code orange day in the nation's capital and it looks like it'll be that way tomorrow as well (I knew I should have gotten my perm on Saturday). . .just freaking great!

Why do they (not my folk) insist on having the air on Iceland today? Don't they realize that women are prone to suffer from Headlight Syndrome? My heater is going on and off like lights in Sunday's thunder storm! I can't have my tater tots standing at full attention; sometimes that shit hurts!

Now, I would hate to work outside, but damn does it have to be so awfully cold in here?

A-Rod's Wife Is Getting A Ring Like 'Nessa

AWWWWW Shucks, A-Rod you dirty little devil you!

He's suppose to be in Toronto with the Yanks for their game against the Blue Jays and what does he do? Take a very lovely curvaceous blond female out to dinner and was seen with said Ms. Curvy-ness at the Four Seasons Hotel, down the way from the Park Hyatt where the Yanks were staying.

They then were seen dining on steak and potatoes at the Harbour Sixty Steakhouse and instead of the after dinner mint; the $252 million dollar Yankee instead took Miss Thing to the Brass Rail to see the naked pole technicians do their thing.

What's the BFD you ask? He wasn't with his wife! *cue suspense music* No, his wife wasn't playing dress up; and no he didn't get hit in the head with a ball (every pun intended) and have a memory lapse. He was doing what men have done since the dawn of time; CHEAT AND GET CAUGHT!

Of course I would never assume that Mr. Rod (yes another pun) was doing the nasty with her, but hey; we are all adults here! And I know that Mrs. Rodriguez should be expecting a 10-carat "Bebe', Lo Siento!" ring shortly.

Yes, Miss Thing knew he was married because he had on his ring and she knew that he didn't belong to her.

Where's Shirley Murdock when you need a quick rendition of "As We Lay"?

To add to the madness. . .the Yanks lost! AGAIN!

Escaping Family Embarrasment

I think I'm going to be able to dodge my family on my wedding day! Why am I happy, you ask? Well, you read and be the judge.

Let me say that I love my family in spite of somethings, no one's perfect and I would be a complete and total fool if I tried to front like I was perfect. So, with that said. . .let me continue.

My dad is my grandmother's only child (VERY LONG STORY) and so all of my aunts and uncles on my dad side are greats and all my cousins are second and third. Got it! Let's move on.

My dad's side can party and bullshit more than a Biggie album. They will actually and literally drink you under the table. . .AND DON'T LET THE SHIT BE FREE! They will show up in droves to drink and eat up all your shit. They may even fight and be loud like drunks do.

My birthday party they embarrassed me to no end. My cousin got drunk at my mother's house and went to the club and danced with every white girl that he could find, then he started yelling all loud. I had to ask my dad to tell him to cut that shit out, of course he came over to me crying and shit. ..then got in his feelings and didn't want to talk to me the rest of the night. BFD, like I give a good gotdamn!

My other cousin got married some years ago, and his father in-law had to cough up another 5 GRAND because they drank up all the liquor at the reception because it was an open bar. We can't have a cash bar because; one it's rude and two our service only requires an open bar.

So, I came up with the idea of cocktail tickets; two drinks is all you get and after that straight soda and water. Then you get to participate in the champagne toast and carry your ass home!

Well, hopefully I won't have to put up with the chicanery! I'm thinking they'll forgo the class and go to my cousin's wedding and let me enjoy my day without the anxiety of them working my damn nerves.

I pray I won't have to deal with people bringing their kids when I pacifically (yes, someone used that in a sentence this morning!) said, "NO KIDS!". And I love kids, but not when they are coming because their parents are too damn lazy and cheap to pay for a meal. Running around all over the damn place, crying and tearing down shit.

My cousins enjoy not disciplining their kids, but love to say "NIQUE NIQUE STOP THAT" while they're smoking cigarettes and drinking Miller Lite!

I love my family to death, but on my day. . .you can go to my cousin's wedding and I won't be the least more offended or disappointed. I'll just fake like it and hope I get a present. Too bad I won't!

Not that I won't get a gift because they won't be able to make my wedding, but I won't get a gift because they are cheap as hell. They'll come eat up your food, drink all your alcohol but won't leave a damn gift at the table.

Well anyway cuzo. . .good luck with that!

Can I Breathe

Hey Folks - Can I NOT Be Busy?

Let's see, it's been a minute since I've blogged. I don't think anyone really cares, but just in case. Hey ya'll!

I finally got out of school for the semester; I passed with a B. I'm doing some training at work, I had a girlfriends weekend with my homeys. I'm pissed American Idol kicked off Melinda and I'm still planning my wedding which is 87 days away.

School was interesting this semester since I was also in the middle stages of planning my upcoming nuptials at the same time, ON TOP OF THE FACT I got a promotion at work in November. The promotion alone didn't give me enough down time to do my school work and at home I was doing wedding stuff and had to squeeze in my school work.

I eventually dropped two classes and passed the other class with a B. I do regret dropping the classes; feeling like a failure, and I know I'm every woman but even I know when to throw in the towel. I'm glad I got the B so it was worth it. I'd rather pass one class than to fail three.

I'm not sure if my homey's know this or not; I HATE SPEAKING IN PUBLIC! First of all I'm too short to stand in front of a class and teach a damn thing, secondly I get nervous speaking in public. Today, I have to test my new training manual with my co-workers which means I have to speak in public.

Did I mention I hate, hate, hate, hate speaking in public. I need some crack because I'm about to go into panic mode in two point three seconds!

I spent this past weekend in Philadelphia with my homegirls. We had a ball, didn't do too much because it's hard to navigate 8 people (especially women) into one direction smoothly. We shopped and ate which was about the extent of it, but we still had a ball nonetheless.

Why is Melinda Doolittle not in the finale on American Idol? Having her voted off was like a cum unfulfilled! You spend the season getting ready to have the big O and only to have AI pull out early! WTF was America thinking?! I hope they do change the voting system because something is terribly flawed.

Dancing With The Stars have the best voting system, I've seen so far. I do think that AI has run its course and will come to an end pretty soon. I've never seen so many pissed off at one season since I started watching it. First you have Stankjaya's non singing ass going as far as he did and now Melinda's not even in the finale.

Blake?! Who thinks Blake is hot?! Jordin's good but I mean damn, it's no finale I'd watch. Thank goodness for Law and Order reruns.

87 days away from my wedding and we're paying down everything we can as early as possible. It's a stressful period, but not that bad. I'm just tired of people asking me "How's the wedding planning going?". It can be a bit annoying to have 50 people a day asking me the same question, that and "Are you nervous yet?".

Seriously people, can you just not talk to me?! How about you try that for the next 75-80 days. I would prefer the silence, than you asking me the same damn question.

So now you're caught up.

LET'S RAP

Now, I've been quiet about this rap music vs. Imus situation for a while now. I'm not going to comment about this any further than this blog so listen carefully.

I understand that there are certain issues with rap, the language and crap like that; videos all that misogyny and sexism stuff that Oprah like to comment about. And while it's a valid argument that rap should be cleaned up and that Imus shouldn't blame rap for using those words. We need to discuss the ladies in these videos and support this type of music and see nothing wrong with it.

Unless I'm mistaken, those women aren't being forced to perform the way they do in those videos; no one is telling them how to behave. They are voluntarily getting naked and voluntarily getting champagne poured on them.

They allow them to do that; for the money? Who knows but stop solely blaming the rappers and music execs for this type of behavior. Honestly, there are women who behave in everyday life the way it's portrayed in the videos. They see nothing wrong with waiting backstage to jump on the hottest rappers.

Hell, even Superhead and Nas' throw away wrote about a book about their exploits. Read any of those "sister girls" books and they practically glorify being platinum digging harlots with no regard for what's being said in the rap music.

Lil Kim, Foxxy Brown, Khia, Adina have all glorified screwing as many men as possible; but it's the men fault and it's that's their problem. Why not have them on Oprah and all the news channels and talk to them about it. Have the chicks from Spelman to discuss with these rap ladies the damage they are doing to the sisterhood.

The girls from Spelman (if you watched the Oprah episode, you'll know what I'm talking about) are right. If you go out to the club or any social function, men can't tell the "hoes" from the refined. Hoes aren't refined and men can't tell the difference between the two.

I've heard video hoes say that they are in these videos to pay for school. I use financial aid, get grants and if I wanted get scholarships. I don't need to shake it up in a Fiddy video to pay for school. They use the single mother angle, well I'm one of those too and don't need to have champagne poured on me for dollars. So try something new.

Bottom line (or "at the end of the day" as my sister say), before you slam the rap industry, try discussing the reason why those women are in the videos. I'm tired of the men being to blame for the downfall of the rap industry and the women are unscathed. So call the ladies to the carpet and have them account for their actions.

MY NIGHT AT THE DANCE RECITAL

My step-sister (who's the daughter of my dad's girlfriend for those who know me) had a dance recital tonight at her junior high school and I must say, I was so pissed and mad at myself for being sucked into going to this travesty of dance.

I would have rather had my tubes tied awake than to watch that shit! Yeah family support each other, but this recital was interrupting my 24 prep time. Yes, I prepare to watch 24! Anywho, why was that the most disorganized display of dance since the rump shaker!

Okay, so they were sixth graders but still I was expecting something more substantial. I'm not sure what they "practice" during the school day but dance wasn't it, that more like watching two whalelephants stomping around looking for the free jello.

The A-day team was so terrible it was un-real and I was way too pissed at the teacher for setting those kids up like that. They weren't either counting or prepared but I wasn't impressed at all. They were looking at each other to take cues and they were running into each other.

The B-day team was the team my step-sister was on and it was better but still needed more practice before they got in front of people to dance.

I believe the real reason why they were put on display like concubines for sale, was the fact that they needed money. However, the dumbass teacher failed to realize to ask for money the giver needs to see quality.

The teacher was so tacky mentioning over and over how much the shirts costs and that they were selling Chik-F-Fila. I was so pissed that she wouldn't let up with the shameless plug and that piss poor excuse for dance.

Even the "star" dancer was subpar to me. My godmother has been a dancer all my life and she teaches so I know quality when I see it and that had no quality behind it. Even the teacher had problems with some with the dance.

So enough of my lamenting about this travesty that I went to. Did I mention, I would have rather have had all four wisdom teeth pulled than to watch that shit?!

I mean what could be worse; they could have been pop, lock and dropping it.

WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

I have several pet peeves because people do the dumbest shit and I can't figure out why. My pet peeve right now is putting on airs; why do people insist on acting like they're more than what they are?

Some people take the addage "Fake it 'til you make it" just a tad too far and this Tom Foolery must end right now. I ran into someone who was just as fake as her hair weave, even though she think it's real. She's on border line Hottie status (from FOL).

I don't get why average people don't realize their average. Don't be a name dropper either, I don't care what hot designer made your glasses; if you don't want someone to handle them, just say "no".

Who do you think you're impressing by acting the way you act? Maybe you're just fooling yourself into thinking you're more important than what you are in real life. Just because your body's hot don't mean you are seriously.

Don't act like you're too good to say hi to, nine times out of ten you will get told off. I can act like a kneegrow in the club, "BITCH YOU AIN'T ALL THAT ANYWAY".

Oh, don't think that I'm in the least bit jealous because what you eat don't make me shit (thanks Jay), so I'm not on your nuts or bra strap trying to get on. Be real, be who you are FOR REAL!

This "I'm the bomb.com" routine you play is played out. Just thought that you should know. You're no celebrity and will not be one. Got it? Can you hear me now?

So, I find myself asking that question, "Who are you again?" but apparently you don't know either.

Charm School

Last night was the premiere of Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School and that will be my new guilty pleasure (providing it doesn't conflict with my time with Jack Bauer). Those chicks are way too funny already and it's only the first episode.

The cast of characters are (in no particular order):

Larissa (Bootz)
Shay (Buckeey)
Becky (Buckwild. . .no I'm being serious, her real name is Becky)
Brooke (Pumkin)
Schatar (Hottie)
Darra (Like Dat)
Leilene (Smiley)
Saaphyri (I'm not making this up)
Thela (Rain)
Cristal (Serious)
Jennifer (Toastee)
Heather (Krazy) - Tried to tell Mo'nique her name was Nevaeh which is Heaven spelled backwards, her stage name.
Courtney (Goldie)

The first episode, Mo'nique accurately told these girls that we weren't laughing with them we were laughing at them. However, she's there to whip these girls into shape by teaching them proper lady like behavior all while trying to win $50,000.00!

She got rid of their nicknames that Flav gave them and now they are to use their real name, with the exception of Saaphyri who got kicked off FOL before they gave her a nickname because she was fighting another contestant.

They had to "rough it" in the woods together, use team work. However, it took them 4 hours to walk 2 miles to the campsite. The next day they had an obsticle course race, two teams and the losing teammates faced elimination that night while the winners were automatically safe.

Mo'nique isn't doing this on her own, she has help. Mikki Taylor from Essence magazine and Keith Lewis from the Miss California USA pagents, they assist Mo in selecting who stays and who goes; sort of like how American Idol SHOULD BE, but I digress.

Well the Purple team (headed by Leilene) were the losers, partly because Darra was too big and needed help with the competition. The Yellow team (headed by Saaphyri) were more athletic and agile.

Thela wanted to talk to Mo'nique and had a private one on one with her and basically sealed her fate. She told her that she gets so angry that she can't see sometimes and because she can't scream she feels so angry she can't let it out.

So that was a done deal for her. She got sent packing. Mo'nique called her a danger to the house and to herself so she has to go and she needs counseling.

Another bites the dust *que Queen*.

She forgot Commandment #1 of the Charm School Ten Commandments


Check Thyself Before Thy Wreckest Thyself

GUESS WHO'S BACK!

Hey ya'll; sorry for being away for so long, but with work, school, child rearing and wedding planning I'm too damn tired to be blogging.

I finally got the last bridesmaid to put her dress order in, I promise you I was extremely close to throwing a bitch out my wedding! These dresses better come back in time before I turn into Bridezilla; I'll start turning red and ripping my bra off and turn into some ungodly creature, I don't have the time for all this Tom Foolery!

I know I'm going to pay for this videographer by myself because the future Mr. Dia is so against the idea of a videographer; he doesn't think it's needed, but I think so. . .so now it's a game of "Let's See Who's Right" hosted by Alex Trebeck. Stay tuned for details.

I finally got the limo deposit in and the invitations are being mailed to me and that's when the fun begins. My mom wanted to send invitations to her country ass family even if they don't come so that they can have a memento. Umm, I'm not Hallmark and I can't afford "Mementos" I can get her some Mentos and let her knock herself out.

We need to go over our lists again, I may have some people I don't like anymore on it and they aren't invited. I already un-invited half my paternal side of the family, I mean WHOLE families aren't invited. My cockeyed cousin thought she can still be nice to me, bitch please. . .you better get some glasses like Musiq and go sit the hell down somewhere.

My dad's girlfriend offered to pay for my bouquet and that's so nice of her, she's really cool. She gave me some book about African wedding planning I only read during those moments of solitude in my water closet. It's only 20 bucks or so for the bouquet, now if she asked to help pay for something substantial, I would do back flips!

I already got my stylist primed and ready for my hair do, sorry Avin but I must get tracks. My hair is growing by leaps and bounds but not enough for the two styles I want; I need a wedding do and honeymoon do, so I'm getting a reversible hair style and that means I need weavage.

I have about four months to go and I still have to order shit like shoes for me and the ladies. My mom joked about me being short for my wedding, but I'm wearing stilettos of the four inch variety so that'll make me 5'2 and 3/4 or some shit like that. I need to hit up Prince because I know we have the same shoe size. Don't let the game fool you, I'll have flip flops on stand by!

I lost a hostess because her cousin is getting married on the same day and I have to ask my cousin to escort my great grandmother down the aisle. I'm trying to be sane because Avin will drug me, but the closer we get the more agitated I become.

I had to take two days off work because I was going to snap, crackle and pop! I'm good now, nothing like a night at the club drinking champagne and looking like a bad shut your mouth to brighten your mood up.

I have to blog about more, so that's enough wedding talk. Catch you on the flip side.

Ladies IT'S SPRING!

This is my annual spring message to the ladies: PLEASE START PREPARING TO GET YOUR FEET AND NAILS DONE! While you're at it, shave down that forest around your chin and lips!

Now, I know I haven't shaved the legs regularly and the husband is complaining; but now it's Spring, so that means it's time to dust of the razor and start saving up for those mani's and pedi's.

I don't think I get the notice out in time, because I still see cuticles and nasty heels. Let me not mention the five o'clock shadows! I'm demanding that this year be the year that us ladies unite at the nail salon for waxing (EVERYTHING!), heel scraping and dirt cleaning from the nails and toes.

It's a must to try and keep up your maintenance from March to October, I'm not asking for a lot. However, if you decide to wear sandals, mules and the like; I do require that you get your feet done.

Please don't be at the club with a mustache and beard thicker than Santa Claus' trying to pick up a man (or woman. . both, I guess). You can get your mustache and beard waxed or tweezed, it's no excuse to look like your great uncle Cleophus who sits in the recliner smoking a pipe talking about the good ole days.

So, I leave you with this ladies: SHAVE, AND SHAVE AND SHAVE SOME MORE! Get those toes right, get those nails right. If you have more hammer time on your toes than a "Too Legit To Quit" video, please head quickly to your nearest podiatrist. It's okay to add extra nails on your hands, but NOT; I REPEAT not on your big toe!

This is my public service announcement to help out my fellow sisters. In the words of my home girl The Make Up Girl.

Stay Pretty!

There's A "I'm A Whore" Book out now!

Yes, I bullshit you not! We have a new slut in town and her name is Jody Babydol Gibson, and she's telling all! She's the role model for Superhead and Carmen Bryant; she's old, haggard and well. . .who's going to screw her now? She looks like, well. . .their wives!

What makes these women write books about the sexual exploits, and why are you all reading this garbage? They've gotten paid enough for laying on their backs, and now they want to write a book about it!

Are they using the books to uplift the young women in this country on HOW not to act? Nope, they are just lining their pockets by outing who they slept with. Why should the public care about who you screwed? Who do they think they are going to hurt? I hope they don't think I'm going to look at them like they are some hero or role model. Not in the least little bit!

These books are nothing but a get back move on the part of the slut who writes them. Carmen Bryant screwed Nas and Jay-Z (probably at the same time) and all she got out of it was a case of the clap and a daughter! Nas moved on and married, and Jay's with Beyonce and his son in the tropics chilling. So this broad gets mad and want to write a book.

Superhead couldn't give out more head if it was attached to someone else's body and the checks stop rolling in so she writes a book because she can't get paid the old fashion way. Now we have the oldest hoe in America writing a book because her germ infested ass is going to jail!

I'm thinking they tried extorting the men they went to bed with, "Pay me or else". Can I tell you sluts; current and in training, that it makes you look desperate. No one is reading that garbage unless you are into to those sister girl books (I'll blog about that later) or your life is meaningless.

I don't care who had sex with whom and I don't want to read about how you whored your way through life instead of earning it.

Girls Night On American Idol

If you are wondering why I'm not reviewing the boys night on American Idol, well the answer is simple; THEY SUCK HARDER THAN ANTONELLA AT A FRAT PARTY! Okay, that wasn't nice, but you get the point.

I'll be brief with the girls, I can't do the run down I did last week because of time. So here's the remix:

Gina Glocksen, not really a fan because of her arrogance so she can sing the theme to Sesame Street and I would boo her! The songs she picks isn't changing my mind either.

Alaina Alexander, I wouldn't be ready to make nice either if you sang to me that song! Leave it to the Dixie Chicks!

LaKisha Jones, she's on the Midnight Train to success. She can really sing, but I agree with Simon that outfit was too distracting. She can sing though!

Melinda Doolittle, I just love her. She's so down to earth and have talent, she's not like what Simon said, "Someone with no talent but have a big ego" (*cough* Gina *cough*) Melinda can sing and she's so humble too. She doesn't take anything for granted. Love that!

Antonella Barba, I liked it better when the reportedly had the dick in her mouth. That wasn't nice, but the only mic I want her to rock is of the male kind! PLEASE SEND HER HOME, but send me the dress that was so cute!

Jordin Sparks, she's so infectious and likeable. She got so emotional last night, she wasn't at her best but she was still good.

Stephanie Edwards, *sigh* I liked the dress, although it did look like a nightgown; however, she was WAYYYYY too Beyonce-ish last night. She was better last week, she has an excellent voice but she didn't sing the song last night. She'll stay around though.

Leslie Hunt, HATED IT! In the words of my home slice, Simon Cowell "What the holy hell was that?" That was absolutely horrific! The scatting at the end was just indescribable!

Haley Scarnato, she wasn't the Queen of the night except when she's swinging from the chandelier with her fiance. Her performance was much better than last week, but still horrible. She'll stay around to next week though.

Sabrina Sloan, I loved her performance last week better. When you sing Whitney, you can never measure up. Plenty have tried and they all have failed! Sabrina has a very good voice, so she has staying power.

Honey, I Blew Up The Kitchen!

The night before last, I wanted to make soup. I'm a good cook, beginning foodie if I must say so; my only food nemesis was soup, I was afraid of soup. I always wanted to make it! I tried one recipe but it stunk the house up something awful, to the point I was afraid to open the pot to throw it out.

So, I tried a new one; with a few additions it came out great. Getting to the end was a journey itself!

I always like to pre-heat my pots while I'm preparing the food because I don't like being ready to cook but the pots or pans are ice cold. So, while I was chopping the onions I turned the soup pot on to warm up. That was the point all hell broke loose.

I put the butter in the pot and it started to burn immediately, popping out the pan type burn. It got brown and then black in a half a second, so I tried to take it to the sink to run water under it but it was popping to bad for me to hold it.

I waited (so I thought) for it to cool a bit, when it stopped popping I poured cold water in it. AND OH MY GOODNESS! It started popping even more, it started splattering all over the place. The sounds were a cross of a tommy gun and butter lover's popcorn.

My oldest was jumping up and down screaming, "POPCORN!" "POPCORN!" "POPCORN!", my kitchen was a tee totalling mess! I had burned butter on everything! From the floor to the back of the stove and up to the cabinets!

I had to completely clean up the kitchen and start over! At least the soup came out right, even if I had to damn near blow up the kitchen to do it.

Girls Rule On American Idol!

I watched the boys dreadful performances on AI Tuesday night, and I wasn't really looking forward to hearing the women caterwaul for the next two hours of my life I wouldn't get back, BOY WAS I SURPRISED!

They (some) did an excellent job, and I was truly impressed. Here's the run down and the grade I give them. In order of performance.

Stephanie Edwards, 19, Savannah, Ga.: sang "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore" and she started the show off with a banger! She got on her knees when the song called for, and she blew it out the water. I gave her an A+! She'll be back next week.

Amy Krebs, 22, Federal Way, Wash.: sang "I Can't Make You Love Me" and I hate when people other than the originator (Bonnie Rait) sing this song, and Amy didn't do anything to change my mind about that either. I gave her a D! If she makes it back next week, she needs to do better than that. She has a nice voice, but please know your limits.

Leslie Hunt, 24, Chicago, Ill.: sang "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman" and in the words of "In Living Color" Blaine and Antwan "HATED IT!" I gave her an E (not for effort, but for ENOUGH)! Hopefully she won't make it back. What makes it even worse is that she really thought she was singing.

Sabrina Sloan, 27, Studio City, Calif.: sang "I Never Loved A Man (The Way That I Love You)" and it was a really good performance. She took a risk singing Aretha and made it her own. I gave her an B+. She'll be back next week.

Antonella Barba, 20, Point Pleasant, N.J.: sang "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" and it was horrifically dreadful. What she forgot was that only Aerosmith can sing Aerosmith songs, rock songs are only able to be sung by either fellow rockers or the originators themselves. I gave her an D-. If she stays around for next week, it's only because she's pretty.

Jordin Sparks, 17, Glendale, Ariz.: sang "Give Me One Reason To Stay Here" and was really good to. She's the youngest lady on there (17 years old), but she rocked it better than someone a few years older than she is. I gave her a B+. She'll be around next week.

Nicole Tranquillo, 20, Philadelphia, Pa.: she sang "Stay" (both sang by Chaka and Erykah Badu) and it was so awful, it was making my ears bleed! I gave her an F+. I hope she gets sent home.

Haley Scarnato, 24, San Antonio, Texas: sang "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" and only Celine can sing that song. The song is really boring and I think it's meant to be that way, and Haley's voice could not carry that song. I gave her a C-. She'll be back next week, she has talent but need to pick a better song.

Melinda Doolittle, 29, Brentwood, Tenn.: sang "Since You Been Gone" and she really has talent! Not too many people can sing Aretha, but two of the three did an excellent job last night. Doolittle was no exception, she truly owned that stage. I gave her an A+. She will be back next week.

Alaina Alexander, 24, West Hollywood, Calif.: sang "Brass in Pocket (I'm Special)" It was unforgettable, and terrible all the way around. I gave her a C-. If she makes it back next week (and I'm sure she will), she would need to pick a better song.

Gina Glocksen, 22, Naperville, Ill.: sang "All By Myself" and it wasn't THAT bad, but it wasn't great either. The note she hit was off the mark like target practice. I gave her a C. She would have gotten a low B, but her cockiness wasn't very endearing for me. She needs to take the criticism and learn from it. If she makes it back next week, she needs to pick a better song and learn from her mistakes. Arguing with Simon won't earn you brownie points!

LaKisha Jones, 27, Fort Meade, Md.: sang "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" and she sure is not, because she closed the show the way Stephanie Edwards opened the show with a certified hit! She sang her ass off! I don't even give her a grade because she's in a class by herself. She's not going, and she told us!

The results show is tonight, and in my opinion; they can get rid of all the guys, except for maybe Justin Timberfake (Chris Richardson). Way to go ladies!

Howard K. Stern

It's my time to weigh in on the Anna Nicole Smith (ANS from here out) nightmare that's been playing out from the moment she died from still unknown causes on February 8th.

I watched the court proceedings yesterday, they still don't have her buried yet. Hell, if James Brown is still in his living room watching Cops; it's safe to assume that ANS won't be buried anytime soon.

I've said it all along, ANS was being used even in her death by people she loved and cared for. The only person she could count on was her son Daniel and know I know why. Howard K. Stern (HKS from here out) had a job as a lawyer making $60,000 - $75,000 a year, until he took on ANS as a client. Then he started making $12,000 when they did the AN Show a few years ago, he admitted in court that ANS paid for his clothes, bills, food; whatever he wanted, she paid for it.

He told the court that he didn't "charge her for his law services", but he did not have an active practice after he took her on as a client. Now, instead of working again, he's mooching off his parents. If he was trying not to look like a snake, his testimony in court didn't help him at all.

HKS threw in the "we had a loving relationship" and the judge ripped him a new one. "I didn't ask about that!" is what the judge said. HKS only saving "grace" if he has any is that he didn't take much money from reporters for his story.

ANS mother, on the other hand is very very shady; I've said several times that I can't stand her at all! Now, I see I'm right.

She flew to the Bahamas to have a memorial service for her late grandson Daniel, on his 21st birthday. Which was all fine and good but she took a reporter and her sister in-law, and those pictures ended up in Splash magazine. The reporter paid for her and her sister in-law's trip to the Bahamas. She blamed her sister in-law for the videos of ANS hitting the airwaves and that she [the mother] didn't get any money from them.

The court asked her why she didn't visit Daniel on his 20th birthday, she said that HKS told her that she couldn't see him. ANS was so drugged up that HKS was running the show. The judge told her to cut it out!

ANS was a mother, whether she was a good one or not is up for speculation; however, she was a mother devastated over the lost of her son. Bury her next to her son, and leave her alone.

These two opportunists are truly showing why she acted the way that she did, not that I excuse drug usage and alcoholism; but with a mother like that, I'd drink myself to death too.

DON'T PISS ON MY LEG AND TELL ME IT'S RAINING!

I think we all need to read this book by Judge Judy, I'm going to pick it up or order it from Amazon; apparently the title is catchy enough for me to use repeatedly. She didn't actually use the word "piss" the word she used is "pee", same difference.

The point is people lie all the damn time, and mostly it's so freaking unnecessary it's borderline comical. I had this lady call saying she never received an email and decided to have an attitude. "Is someone just not responding to me or are we not getting the email?" I had to kindly let her know the day and time I replied (Outlook does let you know when you've forwarded or replied to an email), and she got quiet.

Next, she tells me that she doesn't know why she "didn't get" the email. "It could have gotten dumped in my quarantine file." NO YOU DELETED THE EMAIL! Why not tell the truth? "Oops, I didn't know what that was or who that was from; can you send it again?"

Any thing's better than trying to lie to me, and wanting me to go out my way to help you cover up your lie. Just be honest.

Why do people insist on lying over the stupidest shit, I'll never know. I can spot bullcrap from a mile away, and on a bad day you might get called on it. She wasn't embezzling from the university just deleted an email; yet she wants to lie.

Bottom line: Saying "oops, my bad" is better than a lie any day. Try it, the next cuss out you save might be your own.

Out: Accepting Responsibility

In: REHAB!

Lately rehab has been the way to go if you have any problem that society thumbs its nose at. Isaiah Washington went to rehab for calling T.J. Knight the f-word, Lindsay Blohan goes to rehab; but she really needed it.

Now the mayor of San Fran is going to rehab for his "alcoholism" problem AFTER the scandal broke of him screwing the wife of his campaign manager. Why is rehab becoming the new black this year? Where is there a rehab for calling someone the f-word? Why didn't they make rehabs for calling people the n-word?

I'm convinced it started with Eric Benet going to rehab for his sexual problems after repeatedly cheating on Halle Berry, and it just snowballed from there. The senator from Florida sending sexual text messagaes and IM's to congressional pages, now he's in rehab for his alcohol problem and he's gay and he was abused; and blah blah blah save me!

Why not just admit to the problem at hand instead of trying to find an excuse? "Oh, I called you a bitch but the truth is I have a crack problem. I'm going to rehab for it though" Save me people, stop finding reasons for shit you do.

Bottom line, you're not dealing with the real issue at hand and using rehab as an excuse.

5 Things You Didn't Know About Me

(1) I love accessories! Earrings, necklaces, rings. . .you get the point, I love to have my accessories match my outfit. I don't care if I'm wearing a beat up t-shirt and sweatpants, I have the perfect pair of earrings for those.

(2) I am a car singer. I'll never be the next American Idol, unless they hold auditions in my car! I have days where I'll rap, I'm the next Jay-Z or I'm the next Mary J. Blige. I can do a mean ass "Not Go'n Cry". I can sing in the house when no one's home, then I'll have own concert going; complete with hair brush and I'll even fall on my knees. Yes, I know I need help!

(3) I need make up and clothes. I can't stop shopping sometimes! I have favorite stores in New York City that I go to. I get clothes for me, my boys, even for the fiancee; as long as I'm shopping I don't give a hell. I can't buy pieces, I have to buy whole outfits; of course they're interchangeable, but I can't just buy a top to match some pants I have at home. I have to buy the pants to match the top as well. My make up palette have to coordinate with what I wear, if my eyeshadow doesn't coordinate, I'll change my whole outfit.

(4) I have borderline OCD. I can't have a blue towel with a green washcloth, they have to match. My t-shirt that I sleep in have to match my draws, which have to match the bra I put on in the morning. I just re-arranged the cabinets so all the vegetarian bake beans can line up together, because the can of peas were in the middle. All the numbers have to be even, and all the colors have to be lined together. All my black slacks are lined together, and all the browns and so on. So what I'm dysfunctional.

(5) I have way too many nicknames. My country ass family have given me at least 6 nicknames that I can think of. Me and my cousin are in the same boat, which happens when you're the two oldest grand kids born in a family of moonshine drinking, tobacco chewing and spitting, shack living hicks like mine!

I WISH A MOTHERFU*KER WOULD pt 2!

******WARNING!******

I refuse to disclose the web address, please do not ask me for it because the answer will be no. You are free to Google and look it up yourself, I suggest you do that if you want to know what the site is.

I'm watching the news (see IWAMW pt 1) and there's a site for road rage drivers. If you cut someone off, they can write down your license plate number and put it on the internet for all the world to see. They can also send a message to you through that same site.

Now, call me crazy but I don't think this is at all safe. What if the person is a lunatic? What's stopping them from going to the DMV and getting your address? Did the person who created this site ever think about that?

Yes, road rage is a problem and it should be addressed; however so is Sunday driving during rush hour. If you are a regular rush hour driver and there's someone driving slow as all hell, yes they may get a horn or someone may go around them. Road rage is dangerous and I'm not and never will condone the types of road rage out there.

However, we do have drivers who insist on driving like they have no where to go. I don't give a hell who you are, if you're driving slow you will know it. I don't think this site is being responsible at all; how can the protect the public from being stalked?

You don't know who's in the car and you already run the risk of being assaulted while you're on the road, now you mean to tell me you have a chance of being stalked and killed?

With identity theft on the rise, I think this site is about the same as a myspace page for pedophiles.

I WISH A MOTHERFU*KER WOULD!

******WARNING******

I refuse to give out the web address to the sites I'm going to mention, because I don't want you getting shot, stabbed, poisoned or otherwise tortured because of me. Google and figure it out, don't ask me for nothing because you won't get it. I'm not going to be responsible.

Now, we got that out the way, I can continue. I was in Canada with the Mr. on vacay a couple of years ago, and I meant to blog about it but it just slipped my mind until I was listening to the news last night.

I saw a commercial in Canada for a website that will allow you to meet married men or women and hook up with them discreetly. Yes, you read correctly. You can set up a profile on their site and meet other married or involved men or women, and no this is not a swingers site. This site will allow you to cheat on your spouse with help from the internet.

I'm only assuming that with other "match" sites, they can weed out the married or committed couples and kick them off. This site has decided to "match" married or involved couples with other married or involved couples.

Well, listening to the news last night, I heard of another site. This site will set up an alibi for you, if you're cheating on your spouse or significant other. If you are lying to say you're going on a business trip, they will provide phony airline tickets, hotel bills, etc. Yes, again your read correctly.

This woman (who was not identified of course) told her husband she was going to Chicago for a business trip, instead she ended up somewhere else. This site provided her with a phony hotel number that will ring to her "hotel room" in Chicago, she got phony plane tickets and even business meeting information to bring home to her husband.

My question is: WHO IN THE HELL THINKS OF THIS SHIT?

I wish a motherfu*ker would try some shit like this! He would be all kinds of dead, you heard me correctly D-E-A-D! As a doorknob, as James Brown with no grave! DEAD!

What happens if they get caught? This can only last for so much, will these sites prevent your impending ass whooping?

I've met my share of grimy married men, either they pretend they're not married or they don't care to disclose that little fact; but to put that on the internet is just ignorant.

While I'm not shocked at internet contents anymore, I'm still amazed that people don't realize they are going to get caught. You can use these sites all you want, but human error will get you all the time.

This just causes people to do more checking, instead of reading receipts, start calling places. If you have to act extra pressed, then so be it.

My blood pressure went up three points, please don't try it!

A NEW DAY HAS BEGUN!

Yes, indeed Jack's back! A new day started on Sunday and Monday with two two hour season openers, and I'm hooked as usual. This season Jack is back from the Chinese camp he was sent to at the end of last season for killing a bunch of folk at the Chinese embassy; he was sent back as a bargaining tool for the terriost Fayed.

Jack tortured Fayed's brother to death and his brother wants revenge, he'll give the government the location of the person responsible for bombing several US cities and causing countless numbers of deaths; however, he must get Jack so he can kill him.

Well, he does get Jack and is all set to torture him. He tells Jack that the government has been had, and that he's the real terrorist. The man he's setting up wants to end terrorism and wants to have peace talks with the US. Well, Jack won't die for nothing especially after being tortured by the Chinese.

Jack decides he needs to escape and help the government, so he kills one of the men holding him hostage and escapes. I just love this show as you can tell, and I swear this is the best show on television.

They killed Curtis! JACK KILLED CURTIS, so now I'm in mourning. Hush Avin, he was the for real boyfriend I would dump everyone for! Now when I watch the show I can't say, "HAYYYYY CURTIS". I can't console his *ahem* soul, when he's upset! This is a sad day in television, shooting JR can't compare to this!

I'll pour out henny, or water before the show comes on. Anywho boo, I really do love 24. I don't know why, but I can't get into the other shows; I'm starting to turn into a dark show watcher, shows that no one else watches. House, 24 and all 800 Law and Orders; shows that have dark humor or just plain violent.

Not that I'm going to shoot a terrorist or save a life with my special brand of wit and humor, but I can't watch these new sitcoms. They're just not funny to me.

Anyway, I'll post reviews of 24 when I get a chance. It's a beautiful new day in Los Angeles, I love it when they just randomly blow up downtown LA. . .movie stars are flying all over the place!

Just bring back Curtis!

Please don't think I'm dumb!

I'm back on my wedding grind, I have six months to go before I have to finalize everything before my big day in August; and I guess it's "be nice to Dia, so I can get invited" time.

Last night, I'm talking to Daddy about his suit; Avin, I broke down and decided to have him walk me halfway down the aisle. I'll update my page on the website in a few minutes, I hate it when she's right.

Anywho, we're chit chatting shooting the breeze talking wedding talk and my cock eyed cousin wanted to talk to me. Now, we're the same age about three days apart; she has four daughters to my two boys. She had her twins a month before I had David and I believe the last time we had a decent conversation was when she was on baby number three. That was years ago, and so when she wanted to talk I took it for what it was. Bullshit.

Did I mention she called my grandmother (her aunt) the devil? Oh, yes she did ladies and gentlemen. She waited until my grandmother was alone and started cussing her out and calling her all kinds of names, now nana could have sent her to ICU quickly but she took the lady route and told her granddaughters! All hell broke loose quickly.

She started talking all that "yeah give me a call sometimes, we're cousins you know?" I kindly reminded her that she should never talk to me, if she know what's good for her.

"Do you really think I'm stupid? You expect me to call you because 'we're cousins'? You didn't think about that shit when you cussed my grandmother out like you lost your entire mind? So, do you think that I'm going to call you to shoot the breeze and bullshit? Are you really trying to get an invitation that hard? I will not feed you or your grimy, disrepectful ass kids on my dime. Keep your ass in Palmer Park and catch you on the flip side. Put Daddy on the phone!"

I mean seriously, if you have to work for an invite; you know that you don't deserve one. I've heard of this and even made the joke about how many friends am I going to get now just so they can go to the wedding. I'm no Princess Diana or some celebrity so I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but seriously don't think I'm stupid.

She hasn't talked to me in years, we've said "hi" and "bye" to each other, and as much as I go over my great-grandmothers house, why not try to be all chummy then? I don't like coincidences at all, and this one just sent off all kinds of red flags.

I'm wondering whatelse is going to happen in the next six months?

NutriSystem Commercial

"Wow, I can't believe it! I'm a size two!" Every time I hear that, I instantly turn the tv to another channel; I don't care what the channel is, I just don't want to hear that commercial. I think NutriSystem is the most flawed diet program outside of sticking your finger down your throat.

You spend money on buying food, but you're not taught how to eat responsibly. Now, if you're a NutriSystem junkie, please feel free to set the record straight. I don't hear how and I've been on the website, not once do I hear or see anything about responsible eating. What do you do if you go off NutriSystem? Is it set up to make you dependable on them to make sure you lose the weight?

You're spending three hundred dollars or more for a month worth of food, all your meals are planned; breakfast, lunch and dinner. You get desert as well. All frozen, even desert. The last time I checked; reheated eggs don't taste too well. What are you being taught on the program? Can you ween yourself off the program and learn to cook on your own?

Why not do the sensible stuff, more fruits and veggies; cut out all the unnecessary carbs, drink more water and eat smaller portions. Why spend hundreds of dollars to do that?

Why are you so damn lazy, but are willing to have someone do it for you? You can get a maid for that much and have her make your food for you. If you knew how to grocery shop, you wouldn't need NutriSystem. They're only sending you what you can get with a coupon and a bonus card, but just too damn lazy to take the time to find what you need that's healthy.

I'm tired of this huzzy telling me she's a size two because she got comped by the company to promote their product. I'll eat it to if it's free, send me three hundred dollars worth of free food and I'll eat until the end of time.

I think that NutriSystem is a flawed system and not worth the money.

If You Wear a lot of Perfume/Cologne, Please See Your Doctor

We have this temp that I'm close to cussing out, now she's not my temp but she's in the accounting department which is next door to me. They ran out of room to put temps (even though they have a spare room) and they stick this broad in my area.

Now, I've had run ins with her trying to get into my business; she's the type that if you're talking to someone else that you know and have a report with will jump in UN-ASKED with a response. That type, she's asked me questions like "Where you going for lunch?" like I know her like that. She got mad when I said "Who are you?" Must I remind her that she's a fucking temp? When you holla when you speak remember you don't know me!

I think they waited until I went home sick yesterday to move her stanking ass over to our WORK SPACE; not meant as a permanent work area. If we are doing a big job, use the back desk, that's what it's designed for; don't send Dayshanaira back there with her Ode de Funkette sitting behind me.

She funked the place up so bad my co-worker got nauseous. When she comes to work with "Good morning, I hear there's a problem with my perfume" I was about to fire her up until my co-worker say "Dia, umm can you go and check for faxes please."

I get back to my desk and she ask me if I'm still stick; I'm sounding like I'm rapping Juicy, so I say, "Yes, sick or no sick I'm sensitive to strong smells. I can smell what someone's had for lunch down to the pepper. So strong perfume won't cut it here" You know she had the audacity to respond with "Aww, that's so unfortunate!"

Woooo she got lit into something terribly. I don't understand why people insist on dousing themselves in their perfume or cologne. Why does she need to re-perfume herself when she goes to the bathroom? WHO RE-PERFUME themselves? I've never heard of such a thing until today.

What is so wrong with taking yourself to the doctor? I know some folk have strong body odor, but you've been living with for umpteen years and the only solution is to re-perfume yourself every three hours?

We won't even talk about going into the bathroom after someone woman with a clear booty problem just left; some 'cilin will clear that up for anyone if they just make a doctors appointment. BITCH YOU STINK!

You don't know how many times I've called for a janitor to come clean the bathroom. I work with some trifling asses and they see nothing wrong with it. "Let me just put some spray on it, or let me perfume myself no one will know." Yeah right you funky ass heifer, I know you got something!

Hopefully they will move her, because I would really hate to make her life a living nightmare; but if she tests me one more time, it'll be unfortunate.

JUSTIN MIGHT BE MINE!

Rumor has it that JT and Cameron broke up, so he might be back on the market. Let me get my dress and heels ready so I can meet Mr. Homelessville! I was wondering if they would get married or if he would realize that he needs to move on.

Cameron's a nice young lady, but I'm better! Okay so I'm delusional, but hey; so what!

Apparently she spent Christmas with her family and he spent Christmas with his family, now this is all reported by Spin or Star magazine; so If you believe this, I have a stable in Brooklyn to sell you dirt cheap.

Okay back to regular news.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a happy and safe new years celebration, I watched the mister get drunk out his skull which annoyed the hell out of me. Not that he got drunk, but I had to drive him home and listen to him earl in the bathroon; I guess that's what they call love. I call it a pain in the ass!

I'm back on the No White Stuff with Avin and the gang, and I'm dying a slow and painful food death. I'm going to make it, just miss my food! Well not all of it, just the important stuff like, umm CHOCOLATE!

I have a question, that I'm sure has never dawned on anyone yet. Why do people ask me if I had a good new year? Why not ask me if I had a good New Year's celebration? My new year is only three days old, and so it's hard to determine if it's good or not yet. I had a wonderful time celebrating the new year. Anywho, that was my "things that make you go humm" moment.

I don't like to do resolutions for the new year, they never last for more than a day; and they are always stupid. "I promise not to cuss so much" well that's a lie, because I usually forget and start cussing someone out on Jan 1st. Me and resolutions never work out too well.

This is one is a short one today, I might post again later. Actually, I don't really feel like typing too much right now. Get at your later!