Let's Talk Swimsuits

Ladies, Ladies, My Ladies. . .Let's rap a taste about swimsuits. Men listen up because I need you to help your women out.

IF YOU ARE JIGGLING MORE THAN AN LL COOL J VIDEO OR A JELLO COMMERCIAL STOP WEARING FUCKING TWO PIECE SWIMSUITS!

Whew! I had to get that out, now let's proceed. Me and my fellas went to the amusement park on Wednesday; much to Avin's dismay because she thinks I have no job, yup I skipped work so what's it to you?

The mess I saw was ri-damn-diculous and I must speak on it; I've been holding it in and it's starting to feel like gas.

I'm at the water park and I saw two pieces on all the wrong people. Fat people, out of shape people, oddly shaped people. . .just all sorts of wrongness. Why do you insist on putting your fat ass in a two piece and your shit is jiggling baby? I saw the one piece suits that had the cut outs on the sides and meat and fat was falling out of it.

I saw stretch marks and pouches, side meat, back meat, front meat. . .it was a mess! Just because you can buy doesn't mean you should. If I said it once, I've said it a billion times. . .NOT EVERYTHING IS FOR EVERY BODY!

Even if they didn't have stretch marks they were still jiggling baby and wore a two piece or those laser cut swimsuits with the sides out. Please don't let me forget the little fat girls in two pieces. Now, I don't agree with letting little girls have their stomachs out; so why would your let your portly daughter wear a two piece and her stomach is bigger than the donut on my front left wheel?

I actually saw someone in a two piece with an underbelly, and I wanted to cuss so bad. I have a list of do's and don'ts and at this point, I think I need to get Congress involved because I can't trust you to make the correct decisions for the summer.

Dia's Swimsuit Do's and Don't You Even Fucking Dare List!

DO. . .try on the suit and have an honest friend with you. Having a friend that lie to you constantly will tell you that you look good wearing a cow manure bag, get that friend that's honest or have me go with you.

DO NOT. . .assume that you'll look like the Victoria's Secret model when you order your swimsuit. They diet and exercise or throw up their food. . .bottom line if you're eating Big Mac's and Whopper's with extra cheese. . .don't put your fat ass in a two piece.

DO. . .recognize your body type and buy a swimsuit that will enhance your good features or play down your trouble spots. If your whole body is a trouble spot, put on a moo moo.

DO NOT. . .lie to yourself and say that you love your body. Nobody likes their body, even the healthy ones.

DO NOT. . .tell yourself that 250 pounds is healthy and that you can wear anything!

DO. . .shop for cute one pieces or tankini's. They are making them real cute and sexy now, so you don't have to depend on a two piece to be sexy.

DO NOT. . .think that fat is sexy. BBW are sexy but when it's oozing all over the place it becomes nasty.

DO NOT. . .embarrass yourself! WAX, no one wants to see you looking like Harry from Harry and the Hendersons

DO NOT. . .FOR MEN. . .let your woman buy a two piece and she spends most of her winter and spring eating three pieces with extra sides. Be honest with your woman and tell her that even though you love her, that suit will not be appealing to her.

DO. . .FOR MEN. . .play up your woman's good features and suggest she buy a suit that will accentuate the positives. Remember, she'll be with you when she's wearing this suit. . .so please make sure she can represent you properly.

That's it my ladies. Several rules for properly wearing a swimsuit; if you're not sure how to properly buy a suit, always ask the sales staff. They are there to help you.

Have a good summer.