DON'T PISS ON MY LEG AND TELL ME IT'S RAINING!

I think we all need to read this book by Judge Judy, I'm going to pick it up or order it from Amazon; apparently the title is catchy enough for me to use repeatedly. She didn't actually use the word "piss" the word she used is "pee", same difference.

The point is people lie all the damn time, and mostly it's so freaking unnecessary it's borderline comical. I had this lady call saying she never received an email and decided to have an attitude. "Is someone just not responding to me or are we not getting the email?" I had to kindly let her know the day and time I replied (Outlook does let you know when you've forwarded or replied to an email), and she got quiet.

Next, she tells me that she doesn't know why she "didn't get" the email. "It could have gotten dumped in my quarantine file." NO YOU DELETED THE EMAIL! Why not tell the truth? "Oops, I didn't know what that was or who that was from; can you send it again?"

Any thing's better than trying to lie to me, and wanting me to go out my way to help you cover up your lie. Just be honest.

Why do people insist on lying over the stupidest shit, I'll never know. I can spot bullcrap from a mile away, and on a bad day you might get called on it. She wasn't embezzling from the university just deleted an email; yet she wants to lie.

Bottom line: Saying "oops, my bad" is better than a lie any day. Try it, the next cuss out you save might be your own.

Out: Accepting Responsibility

In: REHAB!

Lately rehab has been the way to go if you have any problem that society thumbs its nose at. Isaiah Washington went to rehab for calling T.J. Knight the f-word, Lindsay Blohan goes to rehab; but she really needed it.

Now the mayor of San Fran is going to rehab for his "alcoholism" problem AFTER the scandal broke of him screwing the wife of his campaign manager. Why is rehab becoming the new black this year? Where is there a rehab for calling someone the f-word? Why didn't they make rehabs for calling people the n-word?

I'm convinced it started with Eric Benet going to rehab for his sexual problems after repeatedly cheating on Halle Berry, and it just snowballed from there. The senator from Florida sending sexual text messagaes and IM's to congressional pages, now he's in rehab for his alcohol problem and he's gay and he was abused; and blah blah blah save me!

Why not just admit to the problem at hand instead of trying to find an excuse? "Oh, I called you a bitch but the truth is I have a crack problem. I'm going to rehab for it though" Save me people, stop finding reasons for shit you do.

Bottom line, you're not dealing with the real issue at hand and using rehab as an excuse.

5 Things You Didn't Know About Me

(1) I love accessories! Earrings, necklaces, rings. . .you get the point, I love to have my accessories match my outfit. I don't care if I'm wearing a beat up t-shirt and sweatpants, I have the perfect pair of earrings for those.

(2) I am a car singer. I'll never be the next American Idol, unless they hold auditions in my car! I have days where I'll rap, I'm the next Jay-Z or I'm the next Mary J. Blige. I can do a mean ass "Not Go'n Cry". I can sing in the house when no one's home, then I'll have own concert going; complete with hair brush and I'll even fall on my knees. Yes, I know I need help!

(3) I need make up and clothes. I can't stop shopping sometimes! I have favorite stores in New York City that I go to. I get clothes for me, my boys, even for the fiancee; as long as I'm shopping I don't give a hell. I can't buy pieces, I have to buy whole outfits; of course they're interchangeable, but I can't just buy a top to match some pants I have at home. I have to buy the pants to match the top as well. My make up palette have to coordinate with what I wear, if my eyeshadow doesn't coordinate, I'll change my whole outfit.

(4) I have borderline OCD. I can't have a blue towel with a green washcloth, they have to match. My t-shirt that I sleep in have to match my draws, which have to match the bra I put on in the morning. I just re-arranged the cabinets so all the vegetarian bake beans can line up together, because the can of peas were in the middle. All the numbers have to be even, and all the colors have to be lined together. All my black slacks are lined together, and all the browns and so on. So what I'm dysfunctional.

(5) I have way too many nicknames. My country ass family have given me at least 6 nicknames that I can think of. Me and my cousin are in the same boat, which happens when you're the two oldest grand kids born in a family of moonshine drinking, tobacco chewing and spitting, shack living hicks like mine!

I WISH A MOTHERFU*KER WOULD pt 2!

******WARNING!******

I refuse to disclose the web address, please do not ask me for it because the answer will be no. You are free to Google and look it up yourself, I suggest you do that if you want to know what the site is.

I'm watching the news (see IWAMW pt 1) and there's a site for road rage drivers. If you cut someone off, they can write down your license plate number and put it on the internet for all the world to see. They can also send a message to you through that same site.

Now, call me crazy but I don't think this is at all safe. What if the person is a lunatic? What's stopping them from going to the DMV and getting your address? Did the person who created this site ever think about that?

Yes, road rage is a problem and it should be addressed; however so is Sunday driving during rush hour. If you are a regular rush hour driver and there's someone driving slow as all hell, yes they may get a horn or someone may go around them. Road rage is dangerous and I'm not and never will condone the types of road rage out there.

However, we do have drivers who insist on driving like they have no where to go. I don't give a hell who you are, if you're driving slow you will know it. I don't think this site is being responsible at all; how can the protect the public from being stalked?

You don't know who's in the car and you already run the risk of being assaulted while you're on the road, now you mean to tell me you have a chance of being stalked and killed?

With identity theft on the rise, I think this site is about the same as a myspace page for pedophiles.

I WISH A MOTHERFU*KER WOULD!

******WARNING******

I refuse to give out the web address to the sites I'm going to mention, because I don't want you getting shot, stabbed, poisoned or otherwise tortured because of me. Google and figure it out, don't ask me for nothing because you won't get it. I'm not going to be responsible.

Now, we got that out the way, I can continue. I was in Canada with the Mr. on vacay a couple of years ago, and I meant to blog about it but it just slipped my mind until I was listening to the news last night.

I saw a commercial in Canada for a website that will allow you to meet married men or women and hook up with them discreetly. Yes, you read correctly. You can set up a profile on their site and meet other married or involved men or women, and no this is not a swingers site. This site will allow you to cheat on your spouse with help from the internet.

I'm only assuming that with other "match" sites, they can weed out the married or committed couples and kick them off. This site has decided to "match" married or involved couples with other married or involved couples.

Well, listening to the news last night, I heard of another site. This site will set up an alibi for you, if you're cheating on your spouse or significant other. If you are lying to say you're going on a business trip, they will provide phony airline tickets, hotel bills, etc. Yes, again your read correctly.

This woman (who was not identified of course) told her husband she was going to Chicago for a business trip, instead she ended up somewhere else. This site provided her with a phony hotel number that will ring to her "hotel room" in Chicago, she got phony plane tickets and even business meeting information to bring home to her husband.

My question is: WHO IN THE HELL THINKS OF THIS SHIT?

I wish a motherfu*ker would try some shit like this! He would be all kinds of dead, you heard me correctly D-E-A-D! As a doorknob, as James Brown with no grave! DEAD!

What happens if they get caught? This can only last for so much, will these sites prevent your impending ass whooping?

I've met my share of grimy married men, either they pretend they're not married or they don't care to disclose that little fact; but to put that on the internet is just ignorant.

While I'm not shocked at internet contents anymore, I'm still amazed that people don't realize they are going to get caught. You can use these sites all you want, but human error will get you all the time.

This just causes people to do more checking, instead of reading receipts, start calling places. If you have to act extra pressed, then so be it.

My blood pressure went up three points, please don't try it!

A NEW DAY HAS BEGUN!

Yes, indeed Jack's back! A new day started on Sunday and Monday with two two hour season openers, and I'm hooked as usual. This season Jack is back from the Chinese camp he was sent to at the end of last season for killing a bunch of folk at the Chinese embassy; he was sent back as a bargaining tool for the terriost Fayed.

Jack tortured Fayed's brother to death and his brother wants revenge, he'll give the government the location of the person responsible for bombing several US cities and causing countless numbers of deaths; however, he must get Jack so he can kill him.

Well, he does get Jack and is all set to torture him. He tells Jack that the government has been had, and that he's the real terrorist. The man he's setting up wants to end terrorism and wants to have peace talks with the US. Well, Jack won't die for nothing especially after being tortured by the Chinese.

Jack decides he needs to escape and help the government, so he kills one of the men holding him hostage and escapes. I just love this show as you can tell, and I swear this is the best show on television.

They killed Curtis! JACK KILLED CURTIS, so now I'm in mourning. Hush Avin, he was the for real boyfriend I would dump everyone for! Now when I watch the show I can't say, "HAYYYYY CURTIS". I can't console his *ahem* soul, when he's upset! This is a sad day in television, shooting JR can't compare to this!

I'll pour out henny, or water before the show comes on. Anywho boo, I really do love 24. I don't know why, but I can't get into the other shows; I'm starting to turn into a dark show watcher, shows that no one else watches. House, 24 and all 800 Law and Orders; shows that have dark humor or just plain violent.

Not that I'm going to shoot a terrorist or save a life with my special brand of wit and humor, but I can't watch these new sitcoms. They're just not funny to me.

Anyway, I'll post reviews of 24 when I get a chance. It's a beautiful new day in Los Angeles, I love it when they just randomly blow up downtown LA. . .movie stars are flying all over the place!

Just bring back Curtis!

Please don't think I'm dumb!

I'm back on my wedding grind, I have six months to go before I have to finalize everything before my big day in August; and I guess it's "be nice to Dia, so I can get invited" time.

Last night, I'm talking to Daddy about his suit; Avin, I broke down and decided to have him walk me halfway down the aisle. I'll update my page on the website in a few minutes, I hate it when she's right.

Anywho, we're chit chatting shooting the breeze talking wedding talk and my cock eyed cousin wanted to talk to me. Now, we're the same age about three days apart; she has four daughters to my two boys. She had her twins a month before I had David and I believe the last time we had a decent conversation was when she was on baby number three. That was years ago, and so when she wanted to talk I took it for what it was. Bullshit.

Did I mention she called my grandmother (her aunt) the devil? Oh, yes she did ladies and gentlemen. She waited until my grandmother was alone and started cussing her out and calling her all kinds of names, now nana could have sent her to ICU quickly but she took the lady route and told her granddaughters! All hell broke loose quickly.

She started talking all that "yeah give me a call sometimes, we're cousins you know?" I kindly reminded her that she should never talk to me, if she know what's good for her.

"Do you really think I'm stupid? You expect me to call you because 'we're cousins'? You didn't think about that shit when you cussed my grandmother out like you lost your entire mind? So, do you think that I'm going to call you to shoot the breeze and bullshit? Are you really trying to get an invitation that hard? I will not feed you or your grimy, disrepectful ass kids on my dime. Keep your ass in Palmer Park and catch you on the flip side. Put Daddy on the phone!"

I mean seriously, if you have to work for an invite; you know that you don't deserve one. I've heard of this and even made the joke about how many friends am I going to get now just so they can go to the wedding. I'm no Princess Diana or some celebrity so I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but seriously don't think I'm stupid.

She hasn't talked to me in years, we've said "hi" and "bye" to each other, and as much as I go over my great-grandmothers house, why not try to be all chummy then? I don't like coincidences at all, and this one just sent off all kinds of red flags.

I'm wondering whatelse is going to happen in the next six months?

NutriSystem Commercial

"Wow, I can't believe it! I'm a size two!" Every time I hear that, I instantly turn the tv to another channel; I don't care what the channel is, I just don't want to hear that commercial. I think NutriSystem is the most flawed diet program outside of sticking your finger down your throat.

You spend money on buying food, but you're not taught how to eat responsibly. Now, if you're a NutriSystem junkie, please feel free to set the record straight. I don't hear how and I've been on the website, not once do I hear or see anything about responsible eating. What do you do if you go off NutriSystem? Is it set up to make you dependable on them to make sure you lose the weight?

You're spending three hundred dollars or more for a month worth of food, all your meals are planned; breakfast, lunch and dinner. You get desert as well. All frozen, even desert. The last time I checked; reheated eggs don't taste too well. What are you being taught on the program? Can you ween yourself off the program and learn to cook on your own?

Why not do the sensible stuff, more fruits and veggies; cut out all the unnecessary carbs, drink more water and eat smaller portions. Why spend hundreds of dollars to do that?

Why are you so damn lazy, but are willing to have someone do it for you? You can get a maid for that much and have her make your food for you. If you knew how to grocery shop, you wouldn't need NutriSystem. They're only sending you what you can get with a coupon and a bonus card, but just too damn lazy to take the time to find what you need that's healthy.

I'm tired of this huzzy telling me she's a size two because she got comped by the company to promote their product. I'll eat it to if it's free, send me three hundred dollars worth of free food and I'll eat until the end of time.

I think that NutriSystem is a flawed system and not worth the money.

If You Wear a lot of Perfume/Cologne, Please See Your Doctor

We have this temp that I'm close to cussing out, now she's not my temp but she's in the accounting department which is next door to me. They ran out of room to put temps (even though they have a spare room) and they stick this broad in my area.

Now, I've had run ins with her trying to get into my business; she's the type that if you're talking to someone else that you know and have a report with will jump in UN-ASKED with a response. That type, she's asked me questions like "Where you going for lunch?" like I know her like that. She got mad when I said "Who are you?" Must I remind her that she's a fucking temp? When you holla when you speak remember you don't know me!

I think they waited until I went home sick yesterday to move her stanking ass over to our WORK SPACE; not meant as a permanent work area. If we are doing a big job, use the back desk, that's what it's designed for; don't send Dayshanaira back there with her Ode de Funkette sitting behind me.

She funked the place up so bad my co-worker got nauseous. When she comes to work with "Good morning, I hear there's a problem with my perfume" I was about to fire her up until my co-worker say "Dia, umm can you go and check for faxes please."

I get back to my desk and she ask me if I'm still stick; I'm sounding like I'm rapping Juicy, so I say, "Yes, sick or no sick I'm sensitive to strong smells. I can smell what someone's had for lunch down to the pepper. So strong perfume won't cut it here" You know she had the audacity to respond with "Aww, that's so unfortunate!"

Woooo she got lit into something terribly. I don't understand why people insist on dousing themselves in their perfume or cologne. Why does she need to re-perfume herself when she goes to the bathroom? WHO RE-PERFUME themselves? I've never heard of such a thing until today.

What is so wrong with taking yourself to the doctor? I know some folk have strong body odor, but you've been living with for umpteen years and the only solution is to re-perfume yourself every three hours?

We won't even talk about going into the bathroom after someone woman with a clear booty problem just left; some 'cilin will clear that up for anyone if they just make a doctors appointment. BITCH YOU STINK!

You don't know how many times I've called for a janitor to come clean the bathroom. I work with some trifling asses and they see nothing wrong with it. "Let me just put some spray on it, or let me perfume myself no one will know." Yeah right you funky ass heifer, I know you got something!

Hopefully they will move her, because I would really hate to make her life a living nightmare; but if she tests me one more time, it'll be unfortunate.

JUSTIN MIGHT BE MINE!

Rumor has it that JT and Cameron broke up, so he might be back on the market. Let me get my dress and heels ready so I can meet Mr. Homelessville! I was wondering if they would get married or if he would realize that he needs to move on.

Cameron's a nice young lady, but I'm better! Okay so I'm delusional, but hey; so what!

Apparently she spent Christmas with her family and he spent Christmas with his family, now this is all reported by Spin or Star magazine; so If you believe this, I have a stable in Brooklyn to sell you dirt cheap.

Okay back to regular news.

Happy New Year

I hope everyone had a happy and safe new years celebration, I watched the mister get drunk out his skull which annoyed the hell out of me. Not that he got drunk, but I had to drive him home and listen to him earl in the bathroon; I guess that's what they call love. I call it a pain in the ass!

I'm back on the No White Stuff with Avin and the gang, and I'm dying a slow and painful food death. I'm going to make it, just miss my food! Well not all of it, just the important stuff like, umm CHOCOLATE!

I have a question, that I'm sure has never dawned on anyone yet. Why do people ask me if I had a good new year? Why not ask me if I had a good New Year's celebration? My new year is only three days old, and so it's hard to determine if it's good or not yet. I had a wonderful time celebrating the new year. Anywho, that was my "things that make you go humm" moment.

I don't like to do resolutions for the new year, they never last for more than a day; and they are always stupid. "I promise not to cuss so much" well that's a lie, because I usually forget and start cussing someone out on Jan 1st. Me and resolutions never work out too well.

This is one is a short one today, I might post again later. Actually, I don't really feel like typing too much right now. Get at your later!

HI, MY NAME IS MISS USA, AND I'M A COKE HEAD!

I don't think that I'll ever understand "important" people and why they seem to enjoy screwing up a good thing, when the everyday folk like myself can never catch a break. Miss USA, the worst self-esteem contest of the ages seems to turn out the most baffling news stories. We had Vanessa Williams posing naked for playboy, who turned out a mediocre vocal career and now we have Tara Connor drugging, screwing, partying and drinking in NYC.

Her country bumpkin ass never saw the bright lights of NYC and got caught up in the nightlife and don't know how to act. Sneaking boys into her Trump Plaza apartment, kissing Miss Teen USA and just acting a pure fool.

So, I wonder if The Donald's going to say "YOU'RE FIRED" or find some other way to give her the boot. How is he going to find his next wife, if you're acting a fool? Did she not realize that her every moved would be monitored? Did she take a drug test before she tried out for Miss USA, and what made her think she wouldn't take subsequent drug tests?

What does Tara have as a plan B? At least 'Nessa had a side hustle, not a good one but she did pretty well for herself. Tara can't marry rich, because Anna Nicole married Jesus' great-grandfather and he just died finally, Donald hasn't finished with his 8th wife and Bill Gates don't want to part from his money if he divorce Melinda.

The best she can do is be a mistress, or a video dancer. She can do her talk show circuit and take her ass back to the bluegrass state and talk about her wild days in the big city. She had it made, for a year she had a place to stay she didn't have to pay for. She had all the "part-time" fame only a good 15 minutes can bring. She didn't really have to work, but get paid waving and smiling. She had it made, and her dumb ass ruined it. She can't follow directions too well, and just ruined it.

Now, I guess she'll be a teller at a bank or maybe she can take up banjo picking. Whatever they do in Kentucky. OOH, I know! She can work at White Castles! Hey, Tara, can you ship some here, because I have a man who loves that crap.

Anyway, start singing Green Acres, cause good bye city life. You idiot!

TIME TO LOSE THE WEIGHT!

This will probably be my last blog before the New Years, so let me try and end this right. I'M FAT! Not, "Oooh, girl you got a body" fat, I mean "Please back away from the plate, put the fork down and walk slowly to the gym and nobody gets hurt" fat!

I'm used to eating my weight in food during the holidays, but oh my goodness gracious I feel like Petuna Pig and this must stop. I put on some; okay so I ATTEMPTED to put on some jeans the other day and let's just say my thighs were border patrol and my jeans tried to sneak into the country. . .they immediately got halted and had to turn around and go back into the closet.

Of course as I'm writing this, I'm planning a New Years party with food! I eat on Thanksgiving, my birthday weekend, Christmas and New Years; so needless to say my hips has spread like SARS and there's not a vaccine in sight!

Did I fail to mention I have a wedding dress to fit into? Well I do, so I have from January 1 to August to get it together. I don't want to be a fat bride, I don't want to be fat period!

So, I'm throwing out all my food and I'll be hitting the No White stuff with Avin and possibly The Make Up Girl. I'm sure that I'll NEED to blog to get my mind off food and so I won't be at home snapping at folk.

I feel like "Weird" Al, and I need to be singing "I'm Fat". I don't wanna be skinny like I need a treatment center, but I don't want to look like Aretha Franklin either. I love food, but I don't need to love it that much.

I'm not an emotional eater, well if it's good then I do get emotional about the deliciousness. However, I don't eat when I'm mad or depressed or when I'm happy; unless I'm celebrating. My eating is an equal opportunity process, but when I do eat around the holidays it's alot of food.

We family hop, my mother's, his parents, grandparents, etc. so we're always eating. Holiday parties at work, my birthday. . .just random plates of food.

I try to do all those "tips" for holiday eating, but that shit don't work. Who in their right mind wants to eat an apple unless it has a flaky crust around it with Cool Whip? I do make sure I get my veggies in, and I drink plenty of water. My plates however look like the leaning tower of Pisa, I'm telling you this madness needs to stop.

So, no bread, no pasta, no rice. More water, more rest, more exercise. Time to break out the healthy cookbooks and work this out and off!

I'll keep you posted.

Billboard Awards

I watched that travesty of a music award show last night and was extremely disappointed. They had random ass talking, and what I think was a 10 second delay, why? Because 7 seconds wasn't long enough, and leave it to the rappers on stage instead of saying "And the nominees are. . .", they start talking about screwing the chicks from "The Girls Next Door", it's really bad when Chingy say "What are we talking about?" We won't discuss Flava Flav!

Gwen please stop singing that damn yodeling song, it's positively dreadful (yes, I got it from Simon). Pharrell needs to be arrested for a noise violation for that mess. I'm glad that Beyonce wasn't rolling around on the floor or singing her nursery rhyme, in fact she wasn't even there. T.I. if you're going to continue to hang out with Tiny from the defunct singing group Xscape, please let her see a dentist, because her grill isn't sexy. Maybe to you, but you're from the south so nevermind.

Mary, as much as I can and do appreciate your music, I have one thing to say. STOP THE FUCKING SCREAMING! It turns into a scream feast everytime she gets a microphone, and it's getting to the point you can tell when it's coming. Geez, the speakers on my tv are on the verge of going out everytime she starts screaming.

Why didn't they have anyone more interesting perform? The only performance of the night was Luda and the gang, and although he's a good rapper (and not bad to look at, hush Avin!) I would have liked to have seen more acts perform. Not just rappers or r&b singers but someone else.

So I'm wondering if they are taking the Billboard awards seriously anymore. Based on last night, I wouldn't either.

IN BABY NEWS

Madonna is at again, she's trying to adopt another baby from Malawi. I'm not sure if I blogged what I felt about the first adoption, but here you go.

Dear Madonna,

I understand that you're again trying to adopt a baby from Malawi, and that now Guy Ritchie has decided to borrow some nuts and put his foot down. Not that you'll listen but it's the effort that counts. I would like you to step away from this one, and just go and raise your other kids.

The Malawi government doesn't want you taking their children back to your castle, leave them alone. Work on your marriage because Guy's not happy right now, between baby snatching and your Kabbalah; it's taking a toll on the poor man. I don't think you want to lose him, remember the last man you had Carlos Leon and where's he now? Playing a drunk on all 42 Law and Orders.

I'm not sure what you're trying to prove by adopting babies from poor countries, unless you're trying to out do Angelina and Brad. Honey, give it up, to be honest they're a more likeable couple than you are alone in your quest to rescue poor babies from African countries. They've already got this thing on lock, so you can't be a copy cat that's not a good look for 2007.

If you really wanna follow their footsteps you would at least have an affair with a handsome male married actor, and pretend to NOT be a couple and then have his baby. At least you'll be villified but since he's cute you can get a pass.

Honestly M, you should just let it go. I mean if you really want to adopt poor black babies, go to Compton or NYC. . shoot go down to Tuscaloosa and get you a baby. At least heed my advice and be your own woman, not Angelina.

Sincerely,

Copy Cat Management

Rosie, SHUT UP!

I'm so glad I'm not at home watching that cow party in the name of The View, and I don't know if Rosie was a better choice than Starr and I personally don't care for either one. That show has gone downhill faster than a coked up movie star and I'm really shocked and appalled that grown ass women act like this. Barbara Walters, I at least thought was more professional and maturer than what I've heard and seen from the clips on the view. Oh, don't make this seem like I'm backing Starr Jones, because I'm not; I could give a damn about her, and she's one of the reasons why the show started its decline to me at least.

Now, Rosie's in her spot and let the hen feast begin. She tried to call Kelly Ripa out on being a homophobe when Clay Aiken put his hand on her mouth. First let me say, unless I've been living under a rock, Clay has not come out the closet so where did she get the "Kelly's homophobic" from if she doesn't or didn't know the man was gay? Now she wants she and her lover to live with Shittney Spears so she can teach the girl some family values. From who? Rosie, I think not, and it's not because she's gay but because she has no sense of reality.

I wish she would try and come in my house and want to "teach me family values" and I'll teach her the value of an ass whooping! The View or ABC need to tighten the reigns on these horses, they sit on stage and want to pass judgment on everyone like their lives are so perfect, and it's just sickening.

What makes it worst, I used to think of Barbara Walters as one of the journalism gods, but now I don't feel that way anymore. She's a pioneer, but I no longer have the same respect for her; she just seem to act as immature as the rest of them. If Oprah or Katie Couric start acting like that, please commit me to the nearest sanitarium.

I can't believe there are housewives/husbands at home watching this cluck party everyday. So glad I'm at work.

American Music Awards

Tonight is the night for awards, performances and a tantrum from Kayne West. American music is being honored tonight, host Jimmy Kimmel will I hope be marginally funny. I think they were better off getting someone else, but I'll give him a try. Of course, I'll watch this show tonight with some trepidation; why you ask? Well because of the following:

Mariah will be naked, Jay and B will AGAIN for the 50-11th time perform together (I think, and pray not), B will roll around on the floor like a Swiffer. I won't understand a word those rock guys are saying, and Jimmy Kimmel is the host. Kayne is nominated but let's see what fly out the jaws of life if he doesn't win.

I would like to ask why in the name of all that's sacred is Keyshia Cole's nominated for anything but hoodrat of the year? I'm not a Beyonce fan, I like her but you won't see me acting a fool over her; but I'm vexed as to why she's not nominated but Keyshia Cole's is. I'm scratching my head off that one!

I would like the awards folk to adopt a few rules:

(1) If you're not there to accept your award, then you can't win. Except in cases of your baby's sick, you're sick or you had a death in the family. Just because you're working on your album or on tour, that's not an excuse.

(2) Only have the artist that is winning the award on stage! We don't need all of their relatives on stage giving shout outs. If you did not actually sing on the album, sit your ass in the audience and be happy you don't have to sit in the overflow room screaming like everyone else.

(3) Give the mic only to the ones who contributed to the record they are performing. I don't want to hear the hype man yelling over the rapper/singer who actually put work into the album and deserve his/her moment to shine.

(4) Stop giving them gift baskets, taxes or no taxes that shit ain't right. They make millions, give the money you would spend on gift baskets to charity or to a music in school program.

(5) Please go over the "thank yous" before they get on stage. Most of them haven't either graduated from high school or have a good grasp of the english language; and since my tv doesn't have subtitles for "what the hell did she just say?", please make sure it's legible and audiable before they talk.

These are just a few things, I wanted to point out. I'll be back tomorrow with a wrap up of the show. Happy Watching!

I'M TIRED OF BEING NICE. . .SAY HELLO TO THE WICKED BITCH OF EAST!

I have tried it for about two years now, and I tell you being nice ain't where it's at anymore. I'm reinventing myself and the bitch all at the same time. And before you get your Hanes in a bunch and start talking about how rap music calls women that all the time and it's yada yada yada, let me tell you know to stop reading my blog and go fuck yourself!

I'll call myself whatever I want, and for the record if you've been reading; you'll know I'm not too fond of today's rap music. Anywho, I'm taking a stand! I'm tired of not being listened to when I'm nicer, and I can no longer take feeling like an idiot because I'm trying to let shit ride and understand how things are going. I'M STARTING A MUTINY ON BEING NICE!

I was trying this out to see how it fits and it fits like a small pair of draws and I'm on my cycle; needless to say you get the point! So, from now on, I'm not taking your shit anymore you hear me? Don't ask me for shit, don't ask me why I can't be approached and don't ask me basically for a damn thing!

No, Mr. Dia didn't dump me, and no I'm not turning into Bridezilla (I think I'd get gone by my bridal party), I'm just fed up and I can't take it no more. Let me sit on my side of the floor and listen to my radio while I work. No, I don't want to go to lunch, and we ain't fucking homies!

You hear me numbnuts? I'm not being nice anymore, satisfied now? Leave me alone and let me be, I think it'll be better if you just not talk to me right now. I'm liable to say some shit I won't regret, but you think I'd ought to.

Oh, stop taking yourself so seriously, you think you smelling roses but it's only your bullshit!

Have a Wonderful Day!

TAKE OFF THE SUNSHADES!

I have been dying for a while now to make a blog about sunglasses, maybe I did and don't remember. Oh well, read again!

I'm walking back from getting my eyebrows done, and it's a gray day outside; what do I see? Someone wearing sunshades like it's a balmy 85 degrees outside! Why does that bother me, you ask? Because sunglasses, sunshades are for that SUN! Don't come to the club in your sunshades on, unless you have Transitions don't wear your shades when it's gray and cloudy outside; please don't think you're that important.

I swear these regular folk can't turn the videos and movies off for nothing, can't be original enough to think of common sense shit like "Oh wow, it's raining outside damn the umbrella let me get my sunglasses!" My future's bright too and that I need to wear shades, but let's be serious are you mocking tv and movies? SAY, "YES, I AM!"

Is that what you aspire to? What's going to happen to your eyesight when you get older and your eyes haven't had proper light?

So anyway I'm done with that, in other news!

TAKE OFF THE DAMN OPEN TOE SHOES!

You get two for one today, it must either be your birthday or I just felt like typing. Well, if it's the latter it's to take my mind off of catching my son's cold. I should ground him until I feel better, but I think that would be bad parenting. Anywho boo, let's talk shoes!

I love shoes, I have shoes I haven't worn yet; but what fries my pickle are open toe shoes between the middle of September until early April. Ladies, ladies, ladies! Let's dish!

Firstly, it's a no no! Secondly, stop looking at the models in clothing magazines, trust and believe that one they're in a studio so wearing OTS is okay to pose in and if they are not they are getting paid big bucks into tricking you to believe that it's okay for your toes to look like frozen vienna sausages!

Your head and feet need to be covered during the cold months because they keep your body insulated! Maybe you're always cold like me, or maybe you have some common sense but I can not fathom the notion of getting all dolled up for an event and buying OTS. Avin's going to an industry thing for her job, and if she came to me and said, "Dia, these shoes are the bomb and they're open toed" I would have drop kicked her ass back to the store so she can take them back!

You can look so cute in a nice holiday outfit with closed-in shoes, you do not need to suffer and make your toes freeze for fashion! Please cover your feet this season!

Dear Kanye,

Why do you insist on making folk not like you? I'm not sure where you're going with the he-bitching you're doing, but it's about time you stop it.

Touch the Sky was a nice video, and I don't give a damn if you had Pam Anderson screwing Anna Nicole on film, there are others out there better than you. I know you can't believe that it's true, but let me set the record straight for you. . .YOU'RE NOT THE GREATEST!

You make some songs that are nice, and I guess you can call College Dropout a nice record; but K-DUB seriously, give it up. Stop acting as if you invented hip hop, because you didn't! You can't honestly believe that you'll win every award, and please don't think or stop thinking that you are obligated to win an award based on who's on the album or in the video. I would rather see Jay and Dale Jr. than you're smarmy ass and Pam's half naked ass on my TV.

Practically after every award show, the news reports of you bitching and whining. Crying like a kid who's trust fund got snatched and they're fucking for dollars! You really need to get a grip, stop taking yourself that seriously. I'm not sure who's gassing your head up, but they need to stop playing with themselves and lying to you! I hope you're not screwing them, because you're getting a raw deal!

Act like a man, be a man or follow someone who is a man and emulate them. Because you are truly acting like you need to be on pre-school playground, whining and shit. "Ms. Thomas, they won't let me win an award" *cue falling out and crying* Dumb ass, can't be humble to save you!

So in the end, I hope that you can find your nuts you keep losing them around award time. All that estrogen isn't good for you, makes you moody and unstable! Some prune juice will help you let the shit go easier and faster than going at it alone!

Have a good day,

D

My First Flight Across Country

Only I would have to travel across the country for the first time for work! Normally, you wouldn't catch me making plan reservations to visit some city with a three hour time difference than where I live now. Where did I have to go? Seattle, Washington!

Now, Seattle's not a bad city actually. I would have liked to seen more of the suburbs and do more than hang around downtown Seattle, but I wasn't there to play. I don't think I'll be going back to visit, but it's still a nice city from what I was able to see.

Let me tell you, you need MONEY to shop there. Not just money, but M-O-N-E-Y to shop there and I'm a shopper, but I was out of my league there. Furla, D&G, Cavalli, etc., you get where I'm going with those names right? Duckets, cash, dolla dolla bill ya'll. . .all that shit!

They have their own Fifth Avenue, for real it's called Fifth Avenue. I've never been on the Fifth Ave in NYC, so going across the country to a Fifth Ave is retarded! I'm no Paris Hilton (money wise, let's not talk about her as a person, 'kay?), so to walk into a Norstrom with a Chanel department made me a tad uncomfortable!

They have a lot of young homeless kids there, more than I've seen here in DC. They are harmless and hang around their cliques, but they do ask for money. Some could be runaways, and others could be on that stuff and got thrown out by their parents. You kind of feel sorry for them, and it makes you grateful for what you have.

IF I SEE ANOTHER DUNGENESS CRAB I'MMA FIGHT! I WANT REAL CRABS! They had no blue crabs, and I was getting pissed! Now, I want some crabs!

Anyway, Seattle's a nice place. Lot's of shops, and I love shopping at stores they don't have a home; same with my food! If you like to travel across the country and never been there, I would recommend it.

Thanks for the hospitality Seattle, I hope you can put my money to use; since I gave you almost all of it!