LET'S RAP

Now, I've been quiet about this rap music vs. Imus situation for a while now. I'm not going to comment about this any further than this blog so listen carefully.

I understand that there are certain issues with rap, the language and crap like that; videos all that misogyny and sexism stuff that Oprah like to comment about. And while it's a valid argument that rap should be cleaned up and that Imus shouldn't blame rap for using those words. We need to discuss the ladies in these videos and support this type of music and see nothing wrong with it.

Unless I'm mistaken, those women aren't being forced to perform the way they do in those videos; no one is telling them how to behave. They are voluntarily getting naked and voluntarily getting champagne poured on them.

They allow them to do that; for the money? Who knows but stop solely blaming the rappers and music execs for this type of behavior. Honestly, there are women who behave in everyday life the way it's portrayed in the videos. They see nothing wrong with waiting backstage to jump on the hottest rappers.

Hell, even Superhead and Nas' throw away wrote about a book about their exploits. Read any of those "sister girls" books and they practically glorify being platinum digging harlots with no regard for what's being said in the rap music.

Lil Kim, Foxxy Brown, Khia, Adina have all glorified screwing as many men as possible; but it's the men fault and it's that's their problem. Why not have them on Oprah and all the news channels and talk to them about it. Have the chicks from Spelman to discuss with these rap ladies the damage they are doing to the sisterhood.

The girls from Spelman (if you watched the Oprah episode, you'll know what I'm talking about) are right. If you go out to the club or any social function, men can't tell the "hoes" from the refined. Hoes aren't refined and men can't tell the difference between the two.

I've heard video hoes say that they are in these videos to pay for school. I use financial aid, get grants and if I wanted get scholarships. I don't need to shake it up in a Fiddy video to pay for school. They use the single mother angle, well I'm one of those too and don't need to have champagne poured on me for dollars. So try something new.

Bottom line (or "at the end of the day" as my sister say), before you slam the rap industry, try discussing the reason why those women are in the videos. I'm tired of the men being to blame for the downfall of the rap industry and the women are unscathed. So call the ladies to the carpet and have them account for their actions.

MY NIGHT AT THE DANCE RECITAL

My step-sister (who's the daughter of my dad's girlfriend for those who know me) had a dance recital tonight at her junior high school and I must say, I was so pissed and mad at myself for being sucked into going to this travesty of dance.

I would have rather had my tubes tied awake than to watch that shit! Yeah family support each other, but this recital was interrupting my 24 prep time. Yes, I prepare to watch 24! Anywho, why was that the most disorganized display of dance since the rump shaker!

Okay, so they were sixth graders but still I was expecting something more substantial. I'm not sure what they "practice" during the school day but dance wasn't it, that more like watching two whalelephants stomping around looking for the free jello.

The A-day team was so terrible it was un-real and I was way too pissed at the teacher for setting those kids up like that. They weren't either counting or prepared but I wasn't impressed at all. They were looking at each other to take cues and they were running into each other.

The B-day team was the team my step-sister was on and it was better but still needed more practice before they got in front of people to dance.

I believe the real reason why they were put on display like concubines for sale, was the fact that they needed money. However, the dumbass teacher failed to realize to ask for money the giver needs to see quality.

The teacher was so tacky mentioning over and over how much the shirts costs and that they were selling Chik-F-Fila. I was so pissed that she wouldn't let up with the shameless plug and that piss poor excuse for dance.

Even the "star" dancer was subpar to me. My godmother has been a dancer all my life and she teaches so I know quality when I see it and that had no quality behind it. Even the teacher had problems with some with the dance.

So enough of my lamenting about this travesty that I went to. Did I mention, I would have rather have had all four wisdom teeth pulled than to watch that shit?!

I mean what could be worse; they could have been pop, lock and dropping it.

WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

I have several pet peeves because people do the dumbest shit and I can't figure out why. My pet peeve right now is putting on airs; why do people insist on acting like they're more than what they are?

Some people take the addage "Fake it 'til you make it" just a tad too far and this Tom Foolery must end right now. I ran into someone who was just as fake as her hair weave, even though she think it's real. She's on border line Hottie status (from FOL).

I don't get why average people don't realize their average. Don't be a name dropper either, I don't care what hot designer made your glasses; if you don't want someone to handle them, just say "no".

Who do you think you're impressing by acting the way you act? Maybe you're just fooling yourself into thinking you're more important than what you are in real life. Just because your body's hot don't mean you are seriously.

Don't act like you're too good to say hi to, nine times out of ten you will get told off. I can act like a kneegrow in the club, "BITCH YOU AIN'T ALL THAT ANYWAY".

Oh, don't think that I'm in the least bit jealous because what you eat don't make me shit (thanks Jay), so I'm not on your nuts or bra strap trying to get on. Be real, be who you are FOR REAL!

This "I'm the bomb.com" routine you play is played out. Just thought that you should know. You're no celebrity and will not be one. Got it? Can you hear me now?

So, I find myself asking that question, "Who are you again?" but apparently you don't know either.

Charm School

Last night was the premiere of Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School and that will be my new guilty pleasure (providing it doesn't conflict with my time with Jack Bauer). Those chicks are way too funny already and it's only the first episode.

The cast of characters are (in no particular order):

Larissa (Bootz)
Shay (Buckeey)
Becky (Buckwild. . .no I'm being serious, her real name is Becky)
Brooke (Pumkin)
Schatar (Hottie)
Darra (Like Dat)
Leilene (Smiley)
Saaphyri (I'm not making this up)
Thela (Rain)
Cristal (Serious)
Jennifer (Toastee)
Heather (Krazy) - Tried to tell Mo'nique her name was Nevaeh which is Heaven spelled backwards, her stage name.
Courtney (Goldie)

The first episode, Mo'nique accurately told these girls that we weren't laughing with them we were laughing at them. However, she's there to whip these girls into shape by teaching them proper lady like behavior all while trying to win $50,000.00!

She got rid of their nicknames that Flav gave them and now they are to use their real name, with the exception of Saaphyri who got kicked off FOL before they gave her a nickname because she was fighting another contestant.

They had to "rough it" in the woods together, use team work. However, it took them 4 hours to walk 2 miles to the campsite. The next day they had an obsticle course race, two teams and the losing teammates faced elimination that night while the winners were automatically safe.

Mo'nique isn't doing this on her own, she has help. Mikki Taylor from Essence magazine and Keith Lewis from the Miss California USA pagents, they assist Mo in selecting who stays and who goes; sort of like how American Idol SHOULD BE, but I digress.

Well the Purple team (headed by Leilene) were the losers, partly because Darra was too big and needed help with the competition. The Yellow team (headed by Saaphyri) were more athletic and agile.

Thela wanted to talk to Mo'nique and had a private one on one with her and basically sealed her fate. She told her that she gets so angry that she can't see sometimes and because she can't scream she feels so angry she can't let it out.

So that was a done deal for her. She got sent packing. Mo'nique called her a danger to the house and to herself so she has to go and she needs counseling.

Another bites the dust *que Queen*.

She forgot Commandment #1 of the Charm School Ten Commandments


Check Thyself Before Thy Wreckest Thyself

GUESS WHO'S BACK!

Hey ya'll; sorry for being away for so long, but with work, school, child rearing and wedding planning I'm too damn tired to be blogging.

I finally got the last bridesmaid to put her dress order in, I promise you I was extremely close to throwing a bitch out my wedding! These dresses better come back in time before I turn into Bridezilla; I'll start turning red and ripping my bra off and turn into some ungodly creature, I don't have the time for all this Tom Foolery!

I know I'm going to pay for this videographer by myself because the future Mr. Dia is so against the idea of a videographer; he doesn't think it's needed, but I think so. . .so now it's a game of "Let's See Who's Right" hosted by Alex Trebeck. Stay tuned for details.

I finally got the limo deposit in and the invitations are being mailed to me and that's when the fun begins. My mom wanted to send invitations to her country ass family even if they don't come so that they can have a memento. Umm, I'm not Hallmark and I can't afford "Mementos" I can get her some Mentos and let her knock herself out.

We need to go over our lists again, I may have some people I don't like anymore on it and they aren't invited. I already un-invited half my paternal side of the family, I mean WHOLE families aren't invited. My cockeyed cousin thought she can still be nice to me, bitch please. . .you better get some glasses like Musiq and go sit the hell down somewhere.

My dad's girlfriend offered to pay for my bouquet and that's so nice of her, she's really cool. She gave me some book about African wedding planning I only read during those moments of solitude in my water closet. It's only 20 bucks or so for the bouquet, now if she asked to help pay for something substantial, I would do back flips!

I already got my stylist primed and ready for my hair do, sorry Avin but I must get tracks. My hair is growing by leaps and bounds but not enough for the two styles I want; I need a wedding do and honeymoon do, so I'm getting a reversible hair style and that means I need weavage.

I have about four months to go and I still have to order shit like shoes for me and the ladies. My mom joked about me being short for my wedding, but I'm wearing stilettos of the four inch variety so that'll make me 5'2 and 3/4 or some shit like that. I need to hit up Prince because I know we have the same shoe size. Don't let the game fool you, I'll have flip flops on stand by!

I lost a hostess because her cousin is getting married on the same day and I have to ask my cousin to escort my great grandmother down the aisle. I'm trying to be sane because Avin will drug me, but the closer we get the more agitated I become.

I had to take two days off work because I was going to snap, crackle and pop! I'm good now, nothing like a night at the club drinking champagne and looking like a bad shut your mouth to brighten your mood up.

I have to blog about more, so that's enough wedding talk. Catch you on the flip side.

Ladies IT'S SPRING!

This is my annual spring message to the ladies: PLEASE START PREPARING TO GET YOUR FEET AND NAILS DONE! While you're at it, shave down that forest around your chin and lips!

Now, I know I haven't shaved the legs regularly and the husband is complaining; but now it's Spring, so that means it's time to dust of the razor and start saving up for those mani's and pedi's.

I don't think I get the notice out in time, because I still see cuticles and nasty heels. Let me not mention the five o'clock shadows! I'm demanding that this year be the year that us ladies unite at the nail salon for waxing (EVERYTHING!), heel scraping and dirt cleaning from the nails and toes.

It's a must to try and keep up your maintenance from March to October, I'm not asking for a lot. However, if you decide to wear sandals, mules and the like; I do require that you get your feet done.

Please don't be at the club with a mustache and beard thicker than Santa Claus' trying to pick up a man (or woman. . both, I guess). You can get your mustache and beard waxed or tweezed, it's no excuse to look like your great uncle Cleophus who sits in the recliner smoking a pipe talking about the good ole days.

So, I leave you with this ladies: SHAVE, AND SHAVE AND SHAVE SOME MORE! Get those toes right, get those nails right. If you have more hammer time on your toes than a "Too Legit To Quit" video, please head quickly to your nearest podiatrist. It's okay to add extra nails on your hands, but NOT; I REPEAT not on your big toe!

This is my public service announcement to help out my fellow sisters. In the words of my home girl The Make Up Girl.

Stay Pretty!

There's A "I'm A Whore" Book out now!

Yes, I bullshit you not! We have a new slut in town and her name is Jody Babydol Gibson, and she's telling all! She's the role model for Superhead and Carmen Bryant; she's old, haggard and well. . .who's going to screw her now? She looks like, well. . .their wives!

What makes these women write books about the sexual exploits, and why are you all reading this garbage? They've gotten paid enough for laying on their backs, and now they want to write a book about it!

Are they using the books to uplift the young women in this country on HOW not to act? Nope, they are just lining their pockets by outing who they slept with. Why should the public care about who you screwed? Who do they think they are going to hurt? I hope they don't think I'm going to look at them like they are some hero or role model. Not in the least little bit!

These books are nothing but a get back move on the part of the slut who writes them. Carmen Bryant screwed Nas and Jay-Z (probably at the same time) and all she got out of it was a case of the clap and a daughter! Nas moved on and married, and Jay's with Beyonce and his son in the tropics chilling. So this broad gets mad and want to write a book.

Superhead couldn't give out more head if it was attached to someone else's body and the checks stop rolling in so she writes a book because she can't get paid the old fashion way. Now we have the oldest hoe in America writing a book because her germ infested ass is going to jail!

I'm thinking they tried extorting the men they went to bed with, "Pay me or else". Can I tell you sluts; current and in training, that it makes you look desperate. No one is reading that garbage unless you are into to those sister girl books (I'll blog about that later) or your life is meaningless.

I don't care who had sex with whom and I don't want to read about how you whored your way through life instead of earning it.

Girls Night On American Idol

If you are wondering why I'm not reviewing the boys night on American Idol, well the answer is simple; THEY SUCK HARDER THAN ANTONELLA AT A FRAT PARTY! Okay, that wasn't nice, but you get the point.

I'll be brief with the girls, I can't do the run down I did last week because of time. So here's the remix:

Gina Glocksen, not really a fan because of her arrogance so she can sing the theme to Sesame Street and I would boo her! The songs she picks isn't changing my mind either.

Alaina Alexander, I wouldn't be ready to make nice either if you sang to me that song! Leave it to the Dixie Chicks!

LaKisha Jones, she's on the Midnight Train to success. She can really sing, but I agree with Simon that outfit was too distracting. She can sing though!

Melinda Doolittle, I just love her. She's so down to earth and have talent, she's not like what Simon said, "Someone with no talent but have a big ego" (*cough* Gina *cough*) Melinda can sing and she's so humble too. She doesn't take anything for granted. Love that!

Antonella Barba, I liked it better when the reportedly had the dick in her mouth. That wasn't nice, but the only mic I want her to rock is of the male kind! PLEASE SEND HER HOME, but send me the dress that was so cute!

Jordin Sparks, she's so infectious and likeable. She got so emotional last night, she wasn't at her best but she was still good.

Stephanie Edwards, *sigh* I liked the dress, although it did look like a nightgown; however, she was WAYYYYY too Beyonce-ish last night. She was better last week, she has an excellent voice but she didn't sing the song last night. She'll stay around though.

Leslie Hunt, HATED IT! In the words of my home slice, Simon Cowell "What the holy hell was that?" That was absolutely horrific! The scatting at the end was just indescribable!

Haley Scarnato, she wasn't the Queen of the night except when she's swinging from the chandelier with her fiance. Her performance was much better than last week, but still horrible. She'll stay around to next week though.

Sabrina Sloan, I loved her performance last week better. When you sing Whitney, you can never measure up. Plenty have tried and they all have failed! Sabrina has a very good voice, so she has staying power.

Honey, I Blew Up The Kitchen!

The night before last, I wanted to make soup. I'm a good cook, beginning foodie if I must say so; my only food nemesis was soup, I was afraid of soup. I always wanted to make it! I tried one recipe but it stunk the house up something awful, to the point I was afraid to open the pot to throw it out.

So, I tried a new one; with a few additions it came out great. Getting to the end was a journey itself!

I always like to pre-heat my pots while I'm preparing the food because I don't like being ready to cook but the pots or pans are ice cold. So, while I was chopping the onions I turned the soup pot on to warm up. That was the point all hell broke loose.

I put the butter in the pot and it started to burn immediately, popping out the pan type burn. It got brown and then black in a half a second, so I tried to take it to the sink to run water under it but it was popping to bad for me to hold it.

I waited (so I thought) for it to cool a bit, when it stopped popping I poured cold water in it. AND OH MY GOODNESS! It started popping even more, it started splattering all over the place. The sounds were a cross of a tommy gun and butter lover's popcorn.

My oldest was jumping up and down screaming, "POPCORN!" "POPCORN!" "POPCORN!", my kitchen was a tee totalling mess! I had burned butter on everything! From the floor to the back of the stove and up to the cabinets!

I had to completely clean up the kitchen and start over! At least the soup came out right, even if I had to damn near blow up the kitchen to do it.

Girls Rule On American Idol!

I watched the boys dreadful performances on AI Tuesday night, and I wasn't really looking forward to hearing the women caterwaul for the next two hours of my life I wouldn't get back, BOY WAS I SURPRISED!

They (some) did an excellent job, and I was truly impressed. Here's the run down and the grade I give them. In order of performance.

Stephanie Edwards, 19, Savannah, Ga.: sang "How Come You Don't Call Me Anymore" and she started the show off with a banger! She got on her knees when the song called for, and she blew it out the water. I gave her an A+! She'll be back next week.

Amy Krebs, 22, Federal Way, Wash.: sang "I Can't Make You Love Me" and I hate when people other than the originator (Bonnie Rait) sing this song, and Amy didn't do anything to change my mind about that either. I gave her a D! If she makes it back next week, she needs to do better than that. She has a nice voice, but please know your limits.

Leslie Hunt, 24, Chicago, Ill.: sang "You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman" and in the words of "In Living Color" Blaine and Antwan "HATED IT!" I gave her an E (not for effort, but for ENOUGH)! Hopefully she won't make it back. What makes it even worse is that she really thought she was singing.

Sabrina Sloan, 27, Studio City, Calif.: sang "I Never Loved A Man (The Way That I Love You)" and it was a really good performance. She took a risk singing Aretha and made it her own. I gave her an B+. She'll be back next week.

Antonella Barba, 20, Point Pleasant, N.J.: sang "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" and it was horrifically dreadful. What she forgot was that only Aerosmith can sing Aerosmith songs, rock songs are only able to be sung by either fellow rockers or the originators themselves. I gave her an D-. If she stays around for next week, it's only because she's pretty.

Jordin Sparks, 17, Glendale, Ariz.: sang "Give Me One Reason To Stay Here" and was really good to. She's the youngest lady on there (17 years old), but she rocked it better than someone a few years older than she is. I gave her a B+. She'll be around next week.

Nicole Tranquillo, 20, Philadelphia, Pa.: she sang "Stay" (both sang by Chaka and Erykah Badu) and it was so awful, it was making my ears bleed! I gave her an F+. I hope she gets sent home.

Haley Scarnato, 24, San Antonio, Texas: sang "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" and only Celine can sing that song. The song is really boring and I think it's meant to be that way, and Haley's voice could not carry that song. I gave her a C-. She'll be back next week, she has talent but need to pick a better song.

Melinda Doolittle, 29, Brentwood, Tenn.: sang "Since You Been Gone" and she really has talent! Not too many people can sing Aretha, but two of the three did an excellent job last night. Doolittle was no exception, she truly owned that stage. I gave her an A+. She will be back next week.

Alaina Alexander, 24, West Hollywood, Calif.: sang "Brass in Pocket (I'm Special)" It was unforgettable, and terrible all the way around. I gave her a C-. If she makes it back next week (and I'm sure she will), she would need to pick a better song.

Gina Glocksen, 22, Naperville, Ill.: sang "All By Myself" and it wasn't THAT bad, but it wasn't great either. The note she hit was off the mark like target practice. I gave her a C. She would have gotten a low B, but her cockiness wasn't very endearing for me. She needs to take the criticism and learn from it. If she makes it back next week, she needs to pick a better song and learn from her mistakes. Arguing with Simon won't earn you brownie points!

LaKisha Jones, 27, Fort Meade, Md.: sang "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" and she sure is not, because she closed the show the way Stephanie Edwards opened the show with a certified hit! She sang her ass off! I don't even give her a grade because she's in a class by herself. She's not going, and she told us!

The results show is tonight, and in my opinion; they can get rid of all the guys, except for maybe Justin Timberfake (Chris Richardson). Way to go ladies!

Howard K. Stern

It's my time to weigh in on the Anna Nicole Smith (ANS from here out) nightmare that's been playing out from the moment she died from still unknown causes on February 8th.

I watched the court proceedings yesterday, they still don't have her buried yet. Hell, if James Brown is still in his living room watching Cops; it's safe to assume that ANS won't be buried anytime soon.

I've said it all along, ANS was being used even in her death by people she loved and cared for. The only person she could count on was her son Daniel and know I know why. Howard K. Stern (HKS from here out) had a job as a lawyer making $60,000 - $75,000 a year, until he took on ANS as a client. Then he started making $12,000 when they did the AN Show a few years ago, he admitted in court that ANS paid for his clothes, bills, food; whatever he wanted, she paid for it.

He told the court that he didn't "charge her for his law services", but he did not have an active practice after he took her on as a client. Now, instead of working again, he's mooching off his parents. If he was trying not to look like a snake, his testimony in court didn't help him at all.

HKS threw in the "we had a loving relationship" and the judge ripped him a new one. "I didn't ask about that!" is what the judge said. HKS only saving "grace" if he has any is that he didn't take much money from reporters for his story.

ANS mother, on the other hand is very very shady; I've said several times that I can't stand her at all! Now, I see I'm right.

She flew to the Bahamas to have a memorial service for her late grandson Daniel, on his 21st birthday. Which was all fine and good but she took a reporter and her sister in-law, and those pictures ended up in Splash magazine. The reporter paid for her and her sister in-law's trip to the Bahamas. She blamed her sister in-law for the videos of ANS hitting the airwaves and that she [the mother] didn't get any money from them.

The court asked her why she didn't visit Daniel on his 20th birthday, she said that HKS told her that she couldn't see him. ANS was so drugged up that HKS was running the show. The judge told her to cut it out!

ANS was a mother, whether she was a good one or not is up for speculation; however, she was a mother devastated over the lost of her son. Bury her next to her son, and leave her alone.

These two opportunists are truly showing why she acted the way that she did, not that I excuse drug usage and alcoholism; but with a mother like that, I'd drink myself to death too.

DON'T PISS ON MY LEG AND TELL ME IT'S RAINING!

I think we all need to read this book by Judge Judy, I'm going to pick it up or order it from Amazon; apparently the title is catchy enough for me to use repeatedly. She didn't actually use the word "piss" the word she used is "pee", same difference.

The point is people lie all the damn time, and mostly it's so freaking unnecessary it's borderline comical. I had this lady call saying she never received an email and decided to have an attitude. "Is someone just not responding to me or are we not getting the email?" I had to kindly let her know the day and time I replied (Outlook does let you know when you've forwarded or replied to an email), and she got quiet.

Next, she tells me that she doesn't know why she "didn't get" the email. "It could have gotten dumped in my quarantine file." NO YOU DELETED THE EMAIL! Why not tell the truth? "Oops, I didn't know what that was or who that was from; can you send it again?"

Any thing's better than trying to lie to me, and wanting me to go out my way to help you cover up your lie. Just be honest.

Why do people insist on lying over the stupidest shit, I'll never know. I can spot bullcrap from a mile away, and on a bad day you might get called on it. She wasn't embezzling from the university just deleted an email; yet she wants to lie.

Bottom line: Saying "oops, my bad" is better than a lie any day. Try it, the next cuss out you save might be your own.

Out: Accepting Responsibility

In: REHAB!

Lately rehab has been the way to go if you have any problem that society thumbs its nose at. Isaiah Washington went to rehab for calling T.J. Knight the f-word, Lindsay Blohan goes to rehab; but she really needed it.

Now the mayor of San Fran is going to rehab for his "alcoholism" problem AFTER the scandal broke of him screwing the wife of his campaign manager. Why is rehab becoming the new black this year? Where is there a rehab for calling someone the f-word? Why didn't they make rehabs for calling people the n-word?

I'm convinced it started with Eric Benet going to rehab for his sexual problems after repeatedly cheating on Halle Berry, and it just snowballed from there. The senator from Florida sending sexual text messagaes and IM's to congressional pages, now he's in rehab for his alcohol problem and he's gay and he was abused; and blah blah blah save me!

Why not just admit to the problem at hand instead of trying to find an excuse? "Oh, I called you a bitch but the truth is I have a crack problem. I'm going to rehab for it though" Save me people, stop finding reasons for shit you do.

Bottom line, you're not dealing with the real issue at hand and using rehab as an excuse.

5 Things You Didn't Know About Me

(1) I love accessories! Earrings, necklaces, rings. . .you get the point, I love to have my accessories match my outfit. I don't care if I'm wearing a beat up t-shirt and sweatpants, I have the perfect pair of earrings for those.

(2) I am a car singer. I'll never be the next American Idol, unless they hold auditions in my car! I have days where I'll rap, I'm the next Jay-Z or I'm the next Mary J. Blige. I can do a mean ass "Not Go'n Cry". I can sing in the house when no one's home, then I'll have own concert going; complete with hair brush and I'll even fall on my knees. Yes, I know I need help!

(3) I need make up and clothes. I can't stop shopping sometimes! I have favorite stores in New York City that I go to. I get clothes for me, my boys, even for the fiancee; as long as I'm shopping I don't give a hell. I can't buy pieces, I have to buy whole outfits; of course they're interchangeable, but I can't just buy a top to match some pants I have at home. I have to buy the pants to match the top as well. My make up palette have to coordinate with what I wear, if my eyeshadow doesn't coordinate, I'll change my whole outfit.

(4) I have borderline OCD. I can't have a blue towel with a green washcloth, they have to match. My t-shirt that I sleep in have to match my draws, which have to match the bra I put on in the morning. I just re-arranged the cabinets so all the vegetarian bake beans can line up together, because the can of peas were in the middle. All the numbers have to be even, and all the colors have to be lined together. All my black slacks are lined together, and all the browns and so on. So what I'm dysfunctional.

(5) I have way too many nicknames. My country ass family have given me at least 6 nicknames that I can think of. Me and my cousin are in the same boat, which happens when you're the two oldest grand kids born in a family of moonshine drinking, tobacco chewing and spitting, shack living hicks like mine!

I WISH A MOTHERFU*KER WOULD pt 2!

******WARNING!******

I refuse to disclose the web address, please do not ask me for it because the answer will be no. You are free to Google and look it up yourself, I suggest you do that if you want to know what the site is.

I'm watching the news (see IWAMW pt 1) and there's a site for road rage drivers. If you cut someone off, they can write down your license plate number and put it on the internet for all the world to see. They can also send a message to you through that same site.

Now, call me crazy but I don't think this is at all safe. What if the person is a lunatic? What's stopping them from going to the DMV and getting your address? Did the person who created this site ever think about that?

Yes, road rage is a problem and it should be addressed; however so is Sunday driving during rush hour. If you are a regular rush hour driver and there's someone driving slow as all hell, yes they may get a horn or someone may go around them. Road rage is dangerous and I'm not and never will condone the types of road rage out there.

However, we do have drivers who insist on driving like they have no where to go. I don't give a hell who you are, if you're driving slow you will know it. I don't think this site is being responsible at all; how can the protect the public from being stalked?

You don't know who's in the car and you already run the risk of being assaulted while you're on the road, now you mean to tell me you have a chance of being stalked and killed?

With identity theft on the rise, I think this site is about the same as a myspace page for pedophiles.

I WISH A MOTHERFU*KER WOULD!

******WARNING******

I refuse to give out the web address to the sites I'm going to mention, because I don't want you getting shot, stabbed, poisoned or otherwise tortured because of me. Google and figure it out, don't ask me for nothing because you won't get it. I'm not going to be responsible.

Now, we got that out the way, I can continue. I was in Canada with the Mr. on vacay a couple of years ago, and I meant to blog about it but it just slipped my mind until I was listening to the news last night.

I saw a commercial in Canada for a website that will allow you to meet married men or women and hook up with them discreetly. Yes, you read correctly. You can set up a profile on their site and meet other married or involved men or women, and no this is not a swingers site. This site will allow you to cheat on your spouse with help from the internet.

I'm only assuming that with other "match" sites, they can weed out the married or committed couples and kick them off. This site has decided to "match" married or involved couples with other married or involved couples.

Well, listening to the news last night, I heard of another site. This site will set up an alibi for you, if you're cheating on your spouse or significant other. If you are lying to say you're going on a business trip, they will provide phony airline tickets, hotel bills, etc. Yes, again your read correctly.

This woman (who was not identified of course) told her husband she was going to Chicago for a business trip, instead she ended up somewhere else. This site provided her with a phony hotel number that will ring to her "hotel room" in Chicago, she got phony plane tickets and even business meeting information to bring home to her husband.

My question is: WHO IN THE HELL THINKS OF THIS SHIT?

I wish a motherfu*ker would try some shit like this! He would be all kinds of dead, you heard me correctly D-E-A-D! As a doorknob, as James Brown with no grave! DEAD!

What happens if they get caught? This can only last for so much, will these sites prevent your impending ass whooping?

I've met my share of grimy married men, either they pretend they're not married or they don't care to disclose that little fact; but to put that on the internet is just ignorant.

While I'm not shocked at internet contents anymore, I'm still amazed that people don't realize they are going to get caught. You can use these sites all you want, but human error will get you all the time.

This just causes people to do more checking, instead of reading receipts, start calling places. If you have to act extra pressed, then so be it.

My blood pressure went up three points, please don't try it!

A NEW DAY HAS BEGUN!

Yes, indeed Jack's back! A new day started on Sunday and Monday with two two hour season openers, and I'm hooked as usual. This season Jack is back from the Chinese camp he was sent to at the end of last season for killing a bunch of folk at the Chinese embassy; he was sent back as a bargaining tool for the terriost Fayed.

Jack tortured Fayed's brother to death and his brother wants revenge, he'll give the government the location of the person responsible for bombing several US cities and causing countless numbers of deaths; however, he must get Jack so he can kill him.

Well, he does get Jack and is all set to torture him. He tells Jack that the government has been had, and that he's the real terrorist. The man he's setting up wants to end terrorism and wants to have peace talks with the US. Well, Jack won't die for nothing especially after being tortured by the Chinese.

Jack decides he needs to escape and help the government, so he kills one of the men holding him hostage and escapes. I just love this show as you can tell, and I swear this is the best show on television.

They killed Curtis! JACK KILLED CURTIS, so now I'm in mourning. Hush Avin, he was the for real boyfriend I would dump everyone for! Now when I watch the show I can't say, "HAYYYYY CURTIS". I can't console his *ahem* soul, when he's upset! This is a sad day in television, shooting JR can't compare to this!

I'll pour out henny, or water before the show comes on. Anywho boo, I really do love 24. I don't know why, but I can't get into the other shows; I'm starting to turn into a dark show watcher, shows that no one else watches. House, 24 and all 800 Law and Orders; shows that have dark humor or just plain violent.

Not that I'm going to shoot a terrorist or save a life with my special brand of wit and humor, but I can't watch these new sitcoms. They're just not funny to me.

Anyway, I'll post reviews of 24 when I get a chance. It's a beautiful new day in Los Angeles, I love it when they just randomly blow up downtown LA. . .movie stars are flying all over the place!

Just bring back Curtis!

Please don't think I'm dumb!

I'm back on my wedding grind, I have six months to go before I have to finalize everything before my big day in August; and I guess it's "be nice to Dia, so I can get invited" time.

Last night, I'm talking to Daddy about his suit; Avin, I broke down and decided to have him walk me halfway down the aisle. I'll update my page on the website in a few minutes, I hate it when she's right.

Anywho, we're chit chatting shooting the breeze talking wedding talk and my cock eyed cousin wanted to talk to me. Now, we're the same age about three days apart; she has four daughters to my two boys. She had her twins a month before I had David and I believe the last time we had a decent conversation was when she was on baby number three. That was years ago, and so when she wanted to talk I took it for what it was. Bullshit.

Did I mention she called my grandmother (her aunt) the devil? Oh, yes she did ladies and gentlemen. She waited until my grandmother was alone and started cussing her out and calling her all kinds of names, now nana could have sent her to ICU quickly but she took the lady route and told her granddaughters! All hell broke loose quickly.

She started talking all that "yeah give me a call sometimes, we're cousins you know?" I kindly reminded her that she should never talk to me, if she know what's good for her.

"Do you really think I'm stupid? You expect me to call you because 'we're cousins'? You didn't think about that shit when you cussed my grandmother out like you lost your entire mind? So, do you think that I'm going to call you to shoot the breeze and bullshit? Are you really trying to get an invitation that hard? I will not feed you or your grimy, disrepectful ass kids on my dime. Keep your ass in Palmer Park and catch you on the flip side. Put Daddy on the phone!"

I mean seriously, if you have to work for an invite; you know that you don't deserve one. I've heard of this and even made the joke about how many friends am I going to get now just so they can go to the wedding. I'm no Princess Diana or some celebrity so I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but seriously don't think I'm stupid.

She hasn't talked to me in years, we've said "hi" and "bye" to each other, and as much as I go over my great-grandmothers house, why not try to be all chummy then? I don't like coincidences at all, and this one just sent off all kinds of red flags.

I'm wondering whatelse is going to happen in the next six months?

NutriSystem Commercial

"Wow, I can't believe it! I'm a size two!" Every time I hear that, I instantly turn the tv to another channel; I don't care what the channel is, I just don't want to hear that commercial. I think NutriSystem is the most flawed diet program outside of sticking your finger down your throat.

You spend money on buying food, but you're not taught how to eat responsibly. Now, if you're a NutriSystem junkie, please feel free to set the record straight. I don't hear how and I've been on the website, not once do I hear or see anything about responsible eating. What do you do if you go off NutriSystem? Is it set up to make you dependable on them to make sure you lose the weight?

You're spending three hundred dollars or more for a month worth of food, all your meals are planned; breakfast, lunch and dinner. You get desert as well. All frozen, even desert. The last time I checked; reheated eggs don't taste too well. What are you being taught on the program? Can you ween yourself off the program and learn to cook on your own?

Why not do the sensible stuff, more fruits and veggies; cut out all the unnecessary carbs, drink more water and eat smaller portions. Why spend hundreds of dollars to do that?

Why are you so damn lazy, but are willing to have someone do it for you? You can get a maid for that much and have her make your food for you. If you knew how to grocery shop, you wouldn't need NutriSystem. They're only sending you what you can get with a coupon and a bonus card, but just too damn lazy to take the time to find what you need that's healthy.

I'm tired of this huzzy telling me she's a size two because she got comped by the company to promote their product. I'll eat it to if it's free, send me three hundred dollars worth of free food and I'll eat until the end of time.

I think that NutriSystem is a flawed system and not worth the money.

If You Wear a lot of Perfume/Cologne, Please See Your Doctor

We have this temp that I'm close to cussing out, now she's not my temp but she's in the accounting department which is next door to me. They ran out of room to put temps (even though they have a spare room) and they stick this broad in my area.

Now, I've had run ins with her trying to get into my business; she's the type that if you're talking to someone else that you know and have a report with will jump in UN-ASKED with a response. That type, she's asked me questions like "Where you going for lunch?" like I know her like that. She got mad when I said "Who are you?" Must I remind her that she's a fucking temp? When you holla when you speak remember you don't know me!

I think they waited until I went home sick yesterday to move her stanking ass over to our WORK SPACE; not meant as a permanent work area. If we are doing a big job, use the back desk, that's what it's designed for; don't send Dayshanaira back there with her Ode de Funkette sitting behind me.

She funked the place up so bad my co-worker got nauseous. When she comes to work with "Good morning, I hear there's a problem with my perfume" I was about to fire her up until my co-worker say "Dia, umm can you go and check for faxes please."

I get back to my desk and she ask me if I'm still stick; I'm sounding like I'm rapping Juicy, so I say, "Yes, sick or no sick I'm sensitive to strong smells. I can smell what someone's had for lunch down to the pepper. So strong perfume won't cut it here" You know she had the audacity to respond with "Aww, that's so unfortunate!"

Woooo she got lit into something terribly. I don't understand why people insist on dousing themselves in their perfume or cologne. Why does she need to re-perfume herself when she goes to the bathroom? WHO RE-PERFUME themselves? I've never heard of such a thing until today.

What is so wrong with taking yourself to the doctor? I know some folk have strong body odor, but you've been living with for umpteen years and the only solution is to re-perfume yourself every three hours?

We won't even talk about going into the bathroom after someone woman with a clear booty problem just left; some 'cilin will clear that up for anyone if they just make a doctors appointment. BITCH YOU STINK!

You don't know how many times I've called for a janitor to come clean the bathroom. I work with some trifling asses and they see nothing wrong with it. "Let me just put some spray on it, or let me perfume myself no one will know." Yeah right you funky ass heifer, I know you got something!

Hopefully they will move her, because I would really hate to make her life a living nightmare; but if she tests me one more time, it'll be unfortunate.